Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night”,
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain![b]
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting![d]
"I Praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made". This has a whole new meaning for me today. Most of you know that my eczema has been an incredible thorn for me. It's not hard to feel like there was a mistake made when i was being formed in my mother's womb...
After being in France, I was challenged by my host mom and a Corsican lady to find if there were any traumatic experiences that could have psychologically triggered my condition. Even if it was something stupid, but as a child I was deeply affected. So I was prompted to ask my mom. There was one day that I dared to ask my mom that very question. She shook her head... she said nothing particular. But then a thought came to my mind...
"Mom, did you take care of yourself during your pregnancy after Grandpa died?"
She was silent and her faced changed.
"Grace, how could I have? I was mourning for grandpa. I had so much to take care of, like the funeral... when those kind of things happen, you don't watch what you eat as much. You don't sleep as well. You aren't yourself."
"Do you think...my skin condition is the result of this?"
"I've thought bout it before...but how could we know for sure."
But i think in both our hearts, it haunts us. My mom had never told me this.
And yet, God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made...he knitted me in my mother's womb. He knew what He was doing, even when my mom didn't and couldn't care for it. He allowed this to happen and to this day... i question why. So much suffering. But God's strength is made perfect in my weakness...i know that much. I have this because I am to be humble.
My name is a prophecy. My name is a testimony of his sovereignty and faithfulness in my life. I was named "Grace" by my parents because I was a gift from God after my grandpa passed away. Charis, Grace in Greek, means "favor"....meaning the ability given by God to do that which in impossible.
I received a word of prophecy from a stranger in the Awakening Conference...a girl who didn't know my name.
"You are made to do the impossible. It's a theme in your life. Everyone keeps telling that what you want to do is impossible. But I tell you...what is impossible to people...is possible with God. Persevere."
It's a struggle to live in the light of God's grace everyday. But it's a choice I have to make. I am not a mistake.... God didn't make any mistakes. He's perfect. I have a beautiful imperfection. Jesus loves me. Jesus Loves me.
I ask for healing for myself. Mostly my heart. I ask for healing on behalf of my mother and my family. This is a burden they carry with me. I ask that they not carry guilt. I do not blame my mom, nor do I want to blame God. So I hope she doesn't either. I ask that we try not to correct me. But I ask that we learn to live in light of God's grace for us, in whatever way that is supposed to be. I want faith and trust in His goodness. God makes beautiful things outta dust... I am beautiful.
Search my heart O God. Know my Heart. Lead me in the way everlasting.
Praise God. My skin is healing, this past week has been one of the most freeing experiences I've had for the past 8 months. I've been able to sleep at night. It's not perfect or completely healed, but it's doing well. Most importantly, I've been loved and prayed for. Thanks guys. :)