It's my last 3 weeks here in Paris...and it's scary because I'm slowly passing from reality to memory. i'm not ready yet. I just got from going thru the tunnel of dream to reality...
but hopefully these will be impressionable memories. :)
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The art in subtlety
So I'm taking a Contemporary French film class here in Paris and it's opened a whole new world of expression to me. Thankfully I don't receive any work for this class, but regardless, the films that we watch are incredibly difficult for me. Aside from the language barrier, stylistically things are different. American Cinema is so incredibly overt. It's funny, because Americans feel like they have to articulate everything on their mind. They feel the need to explain everything, or to be dramatic about it. I feel like cynicism concerning film in the States concerns cheesy plot lines, tacky dialogue, and predictable endings ( I know I'm stating over-generalizations). A good film consists of good action, dramatic music, understandable chemistry, memorable events, and ridiculously looking people. Things are usually literal...and sometimes the easiest way to make something seem profound is just to tack on a shallow out-of-place cliff hanger. cliché is nearly unavoidable.
French film is much more reflective...poetic...metaphorical...subtle. I admit, some of the sequences in a number of films I've seen are boring. But I've realized a lot of it is because A) I don't understand the language and it's nuances B) I don't get cultural norms....meaning I can't read the body language, the energy in situations, and chemistry between characters. There's much more mystery and even awkward tension and it's OK to leave it that way. To try to solve everything or to make everything comfortable just takes away from artistry in some ways. I've found some scenes and sequences that seem so out of place sometimes..it's confusing. Music and costumes are much less busy. and like the speechless exchanges people give one another.
My French mom told me how there are 2 degrees of conversation when it comes to French. 1st degree is when everything is literal. 2nd degree is more when something is implied. The best example is when my brother and I were trying new French foods that my host mom served. When she asked us how the cheese was, we both said "it's interesting". If that was taken in 1st degree, it would probably have had a good like meaning, "I'm curious about this cheese is worth another taste". But French mom could read our tone and knew it rather implied in 2nd degree that "We're not too fond of the cheese, but to be polite, we're not going to out right say "it's nasty" or "i don't like it". My host mom discussed with me how French people are similar to Chinese people with the idea of "saving face". My host mom mentioned how I'm a bit more intuitive to things she implies and intends because of my background, which I was, unknowingly. It's hilarious I think because I think that's what caused the tension between us for a long time, bc my intuitive side was able to tell she didn't fully trust me...and she would state things about her character indirectly in the way she shared bout her experiences and relationships w/ others. Many of my friends asked how she was mean to me, and I could only reply with the fact that she's not really "mean" but there were things situations that would be extremely awkward because something wasn't right (btw, things are much better now).
Right now, the stress of trying to figure out French people, especially on screen is frustrating mean, because I need to write a 10 pg paper on in it French. But otherwise I think i love the challenge because it gives me a whole other level art and acting i wanna dive into and being a "people-reader" (I admit to this) I love exploring more facets of human psychie and behavior.
(fyi: I love both American and French film for very different reasons)
French film is much more reflective...poetic...metaphorical...subtle. I admit, some of the sequences in a number of films I've seen are boring. But I've realized a lot of it is because A) I don't understand the language and it's nuances B) I don't get cultural norms....meaning I can't read the body language, the energy in situations, and chemistry between characters. There's much more mystery and even awkward tension and it's OK to leave it that way. To try to solve everything or to make everything comfortable just takes away from artistry in some ways. I've found some scenes and sequences that seem so out of place sometimes..it's confusing. Music and costumes are much less busy. and like the speechless exchanges people give one another.
My French mom told me how there are 2 degrees of conversation when it comes to French. 1st degree is when everything is literal. 2nd degree is more when something is implied. The best example is when my brother and I were trying new French foods that my host mom served. When she asked us how the cheese was, we both said "it's interesting". If that was taken in 1st degree, it would probably have had a good like meaning, "I'm curious about this cheese is worth another taste". But French mom could read our tone and knew it rather implied in 2nd degree that "We're not too fond of the cheese, but to be polite, we're not going to out right say "it's nasty" or "i don't like it". My host mom discussed with me how French people are similar to Chinese people with the idea of "saving face". My host mom mentioned how I'm a bit more intuitive to things she implies and intends because of my background, which I was, unknowingly. It's hilarious I think because I think that's what caused the tension between us for a long time, bc my intuitive side was able to tell she didn't fully trust me...and she would state things about her character indirectly in the way she shared bout her experiences and relationships w/ others. Many of my friends asked how she was mean to me, and I could only reply with the fact that she's not really "mean" but there were things situations that would be extremely awkward because something wasn't right (btw, things are much better now).
Right now, the stress of trying to figure out French people, especially on screen is frustrating mean, because I need to write a 10 pg paper on in it French. But otherwise I think i love the challenge because it gives me a whole other level art and acting i wanna dive into and being a "people-reader" (I admit to this) I love exploring more facets of human psychie and behavior.
(fyi: I love both American and French film for very different reasons)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Prayer Requests
I think my biggest prayer request that continues to plague my mind, is for my relationship with my host mom. She's a divorced woman in about her 60s whose children are grown up and living abroad. She is very French, but rather conservative compared to others. She doesn't drink, even at dinner, she has a concern for conservation of energy and things, and she has conservative political tastes in comparison to the French tendency towards socialism. Its interesting having conversations with her bc she teaches me a lot about society and how modernization has affected the way of life, such as how many of the couples her age are divorced now, how young people neglect family time, how manners and chivalry are forgotten, and how sad it all is. Those things are interesting, seeing that she isn't truly Christian, but she is likes to keep Catholic traditions. She values strong integrity. She has many criticisms towards the church that she hints, but she will, once in a while, mention that France is Christian by it's nature and it's origin. She knows that I do my best to attend church and bible studies every week and perhaps she understands that I take my faith seriously, though I've never had the chance to vocalize it. She is accepting of my practices, but she has before told me her fear towards the church. (sidenote: The longer I stay here, the longer I grow sad for the pain the Church as brought upon others, in the name of Christ. We need redemption.)
But i always feel uneasy around her. There are certain things around the house she is strict with, and yet I understand. She is teaching me how to be respectful to those around me, especially with those I live. For instance, I can't be up late moving around my room bc the floors creak, the walls are thin, my drawers are too noisy, and it disturbs those who sleep below me and in the rooms next door. I have to be conscious of so much...it's sometimes burdensome. She's told me, she's only strict with those whom she cares for. Thankfully, I know she cares for me...but sometimes I get nervous and I feel like I'm walking on a fragile line between making her happy or making her upset. It's funny, bc the times i upset her are sometimes the moments when I try to help.
Don't get me wrong. She's a caring and nice lady. We have good chats together, and she's helped me out with my film class for which we watch French movies together. But there are good days and bad days..and that's the reality when we live with other people yes? especially with those outside of our comfy families.
Hence, can you pray for me? Perhaps that there will be peace in our relationship and in my heart, I think i've messed up a number of times with her, which I think is normal, like a child messes up in front of his or her parents. The people-pleaser side of me is always unsettled. Grace is not a concept i think people understand well, w/o Jesus. Also pray for Christ's light to shine through me.
2ndly, i've tried attending a French Bible study on Tuesday nights. Apparently that is not ideal considering the fact that dinnertime at home is valuable to my host mom. I hope to find a replacement. On top of that, I would love to be bold in seeking out a true French Christian community, when and where that will be, I am not sure.
But one thing I am thankful for are for the few friends from home that have visited me here in Paris. I am getting better acquainted with many of my friends here, which i am also truly thankful for, but it's special to see friends from home in a completely different environment. I get to share a bit of what's been going on. They are a huge encouragement for me.
3rdly, perhaps i shouldn't be concerned with my life back home, bc it can be a distraction, but I'm in prayer for next school year. I'm not sure whether the Lord is calling me to serve in Koinonia or WAC. It's my senior year and i, as always, feel the collision of my life as a musician and my other life. I desire so much to walk away from music, not to give up entirely, but to no longer have it's duties haunt me. I never feel at peace bc "i need to practice". If I am called to devote my time to serving next year, I will need to sacrifice a few important things in the musical realm. Please pray for clarity and patience. But w/e I decide, may it be humbly for the Lord, and may I know that the Lord is already pleased with me.
Lastly, I am struggling with my disciplines bc somehow they don't seem to enrich my life, and I'm not sure why. I dunno if I'm just trying to feel the Spirit, when that isn't exactly what I should be aiming for. Maybe rather, the Lord desires faithfulness. I weep bc I am paralyzed when I pray or I feel like I'm mumbling insignificant things. I dunno if it's because I'm outside of the magical world of Wheaton or WAC or CCUC, and now the "ordinary life" isn't what i expected in my time here. But the Lord is faithful and I am trying to be non-complacent in the most mundane circumstances, as I have learned from a few summers ago. May God reveal Himself to me as He revealed Himself to Jacob in Egypt.
Thanks so much. :)
But i always feel uneasy around her. There are certain things around the house she is strict with, and yet I understand. She is teaching me how to be respectful to those around me, especially with those I live. For instance, I can't be up late moving around my room bc the floors creak, the walls are thin, my drawers are too noisy, and it disturbs those who sleep below me and in the rooms next door. I have to be conscious of so much...it's sometimes burdensome. She's told me, she's only strict with those whom she cares for. Thankfully, I know she cares for me...but sometimes I get nervous and I feel like I'm walking on a fragile line between making her happy or making her upset. It's funny, bc the times i upset her are sometimes the moments when I try to help.
Don't get me wrong. She's a caring and nice lady. We have good chats together, and she's helped me out with my film class for which we watch French movies together. But there are good days and bad days..and that's the reality when we live with other people yes? especially with those outside of our comfy families.
Hence, can you pray for me? Perhaps that there will be peace in our relationship and in my heart, I think i've messed up a number of times with her, which I think is normal, like a child messes up in front of his or her parents. The people-pleaser side of me is always unsettled. Grace is not a concept i think people understand well, w/o Jesus. Also pray for Christ's light to shine through me.
2ndly, i've tried attending a French Bible study on Tuesday nights. Apparently that is not ideal considering the fact that dinnertime at home is valuable to my host mom. I hope to find a replacement. On top of that, I would love to be bold in seeking out a true French Christian community, when and where that will be, I am not sure.
But one thing I am thankful for are for the few friends from home that have visited me here in Paris. I am getting better acquainted with many of my friends here, which i am also truly thankful for, but it's special to see friends from home in a completely different environment. I get to share a bit of what's been going on. They are a huge encouragement for me.
3rdly, perhaps i shouldn't be concerned with my life back home, bc it can be a distraction, but I'm in prayer for next school year. I'm not sure whether the Lord is calling me to serve in Koinonia or WAC. It's my senior year and i, as always, feel the collision of my life as a musician and my other life. I desire so much to walk away from music, not to give up entirely, but to no longer have it's duties haunt me. I never feel at peace bc "i need to practice". If I am called to devote my time to serving next year, I will need to sacrifice a few important things in the musical realm. Please pray for clarity and patience. But w/e I decide, may it be humbly for the Lord, and may I know that the Lord is already pleased with me.
Lastly, I am struggling with my disciplines bc somehow they don't seem to enrich my life, and I'm not sure why. I dunno if I'm just trying to feel the Spirit, when that isn't exactly what I should be aiming for. Maybe rather, the Lord desires faithfulness. I weep bc I am paralyzed when I pray or I feel like I'm mumbling insignificant things. I dunno if it's because I'm outside of the magical world of Wheaton or WAC or CCUC, and now the "ordinary life" isn't what i expected in my time here. But the Lord is faithful and I am trying to be non-complacent in the most mundane circumstances, as I have learned from a few summers ago. May God reveal Himself to me as He revealed Himself to Jacob in Egypt.
Thanks so much. :)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
You Make Beautiful Things Outta Dust
“You Make Beautiful Things Outta Dust”
That song from Gungor has spoke to me most this past month. I’ve been in search for Beauty my whole life…I would even dare to say that has been my pursuit. I’m an artist… and more and more I realize that this is the gift God has given me. I love to play music, sing, dance, act, write, and draw/paint/take photos. Somehow, I’ve been blessed with a combination of these mediums of expression. As artists we desire to capture the highest image or sensation of perfection we can grasp. We die to find THE IDEA that is the complete mix of emotion, awe, color, pleasure, and knowledge. I have become so frustrated with this task…that I have lost the will to pursue it. It takes so much work and in the end, I don’t feel like it’s worth the sweat and tears. The perfectionist side of me refuses to taint, to mess up. For this reason, I have grown impatient with my music life and I would even say insecure with the idea that I, myself, am an expression of beauty.
And yet, a side of “beauty” I haven’t touched before taunts me. The French are about aesthetics and expression. The artists here master their craft well... their “mediocre” is a step up from what I have been encountering back home. It’s inspirational. It’s intimidating. The music, the visual art, the dance, the fashion, the people… There’s not a moment I don’t encounter it. I have art museums at my finger tips, music conservatories with diligent students, the normal average Parisian dresses well, I can find awesome hip hop dancers nearly any days at Les Champs Elysees, or ballet dancers at l’Opera. It’s amazing.
Then I doubt. Why do I try? Why do I care? But then I realize. I have the exact thing I have been searching for. I have God, I have Jesus. I am His and He is mine. He IS Beauty itself. I have barely even seen a glimpse of Him and yet he gives Himself freely by grace. I have been invited to touch this Beauty…to know it, to be in relationship. All this time, I have been finding Beauty. The one thing that so many artists have not encountered yet. It doesn’t take a Christian to be good at art; thankfully God graciously gave others ,who do not yet know Him, an ability to capture glory and aestheticism. But they don’t know the Creator of all creators, the Artist of all artists, the Author of authors, the Orchestrator…the Alpha, Omega. I am loved and called by Beauty itself. So many artists are dying to find Perfection and yet they’re going the other way. He has made me beautiful… I need to know that and internalize it. And what’s crazier is…the fact He can make something that is worthless … beautiful. Beauty from Pain and beauty from dust.
And now He asks me…to join Him. To co-create and to express what I’ve seen, what I’ve heard, what I know, WHO I know. I’m not sure how. I’m still figuring that out. I’m not completely perfected yet, and I will mess up. But God is beautiful, I am beautiful, and from dust, I am still being made beautiful. Perhaps I haven’t been wasting my time. I’ve been spending time with the Master and Creator Himself. I want to see dust come to life… As I’ve seen Him do…in the world, in the bible, in others, in myself. May He give me grace to be used. Soli Deo Gloria.
That song from Gungor has spoke to me most this past month. I’ve been in search for Beauty my whole life…I would even dare to say that has been my pursuit. I’m an artist… and more and more I realize that this is the gift God has given me. I love to play music, sing, dance, act, write, and draw/paint/take photos. Somehow, I’ve been blessed with a combination of these mediums of expression. As artists we desire to capture the highest image or sensation of perfection we can grasp. We die to find THE IDEA that is the complete mix of emotion, awe, color, pleasure, and knowledge. I have become so frustrated with this task…that I have lost the will to pursue it. It takes so much work and in the end, I don’t feel like it’s worth the sweat and tears. The perfectionist side of me refuses to taint, to mess up. For this reason, I have grown impatient with my music life and I would even say insecure with the idea that I, myself, am an expression of beauty.
And yet, a side of “beauty” I haven’t touched before taunts me. The French are about aesthetics and expression. The artists here master their craft well... their “mediocre” is a step up from what I have been encountering back home. It’s inspirational. It’s intimidating. The music, the visual art, the dance, the fashion, the people… There’s not a moment I don’t encounter it. I have art museums at my finger tips, music conservatories with diligent students, the normal average Parisian dresses well, I can find awesome hip hop dancers nearly any days at Les Champs Elysees, or ballet dancers at l’Opera. It’s amazing.
Then I doubt. Why do I try? Why do I care? But then I realize. I have the exact thing I have been searching for. I have God, I have Jesus. I am His and He is mine. He IS Beauty itself. I have barely even seen a glimpse of Him and yet he gives Himself freely by grace. I have been invited to touch this Beauty…to know it, to be in relationship. All this time, I have been finding Beauty. The one thing that so many artists have not encountered yet. It doesn’t take a Christian to be good at art; thankfully God graciously gave others ,who do not yet know Him, an ability to capture glory and aestheticism. But they don’t know the Creator of all creators, the Artist of all artists, the Author of authors, the Orchestrator…the Alpha, Omega. I am loved and called by Beauty itself. So many artists are dying to find Perfection and yet they’re going the other way. He has made me beautiful… I need to know that and internalize it. And what’s crazier is…the fact He can make something that is worthless … beautiful. Beauty from Pain and beauty from dust.
And now He asks me…to join Him. To co-create and to express what I’ve seen, what I’ve heard, what I know, WHO I know. I’m not sure how. I’m still figuring that out. I’m not completely perfected yet, and I will mess up. But God is beautiful, I am beautiful, and from dust, I am still being made beautiful. Perhaps I haven’t been wasting my time. I’ve been spending time with the Master and Creator Himself. I want to see dust come to life… As I’ve seen Him do…in the world, in the bible, in others, in myself. May He give me grace to be used. Soli Deo Gloria.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
sorry how much does this cost?
we love shopping. i love shopping... and we love shopping for love.
I mean...really think bout it. we choose the type of affection and affirmation we want to receive right? If someone doesn't offer what we're craving, we move on to the next. If we like it, we give a little bit of ourselves, or a little bit of the love that we do think we have. If we think it's worth the world, then we'll give the world if we're willing. But we expect something in return, flowers, time, sex, or fulfillment of loneliness. Cheap love demands cheap love..costly love demands costly love. If the transaction doesn't go as well as hoped, you just refrain from giving as much the next time. Save your love for someone or something better.
Haha. this is put in the most simplistic of terms. Sorry for the dryness, but i'm just starting to realize...what a consumer i am..even of things not physically tangible. O how I thought I was being altruistic. What selfishness truly reigns in me. I don't give unless I feel secure that someone will give something back. i don't invest in a friend thinking they're gonna trash me...etc. and yet of course it happens.
and then there's Love. The beauty of this love is intangible. What do you mean it's free? What do you mean I can't buy it? Some of us ignore it. Because it's... afterall...FREE. Or some of take it...like we take McDonald's sweet and sour packets. We pack as much of it as we can (you azns all noe what i mean) but at the end of it day, we treat it as what it is... Mcdonald's free stuff. it's not worth much. I mean there's a reason why you don't have to pay for certain things yea? You know what i mean.
But that's not Love. Wow...actually...Love is costly. SO costly, we don't even know the price of it. It's so much...it can't even be calculated. it's priceless. Priceless does not = free crap. It's an untouchable Love. It's the thing we can't have...we don't deserve. And yet, we got it, as a gift. O no...someone did pay for it, with blood. But it wasn't us, it was Jesus. He didn't pay for it, so that HE would get the Love...He paid for it so WE could get this Love. He IS Love. We can't work to get this one.
I can't believe God gave us this Divine goodness. It's all by grace..and it's not like...some cheap Mickey D's sauce, which isn't even in unlimited stock. This stuff is the real deal...so much that I can't even describe what the taste is, bc it's soo other. He lavishes it on us. I shiver...I tremble. I commune with this Love. Taking this offer is so wrong and yet so incredibly right.
I get to share it. For my sake though, i usually decide to go back to the cheap stuff that I was offering before, still expecting something in return. But He instead, has given me an overflow of the real stuff. He is the source itself. It's scary, because I'm giving to people, without getting what i WANT in return. It's humbling, because I can't claim myself to be the ultimate Giver of this love. But why should I give into my petty unfulfilled desires when I'm connected to the source of fulfillment and of the greatest thing I can ever behold? I know the authentic option is not what people are looking for...but will I be able to sacrifice immediate affirmation for what is real?
I mean...really think bout it. we choose the type of affection and affirmation we want to receive right? If someone doesn't offer what we're craving, we move on to the next. If we like it, we give a little bit of ourselves, or a little bit of the love that we do think we have. If we think it's worth the world, then we'll give the world if we're willing. But we expect something in return, flowers, time, sex, or fulfillment of loneliness. Cheap love demands cheap love..costly love demands costly love. If the transaction doesn't go as well as hoped, you just refrain from giving as much the next time. Save your love for someone or something better.
Haha. this is put in the most simplistic of terms. Sorry for the dryness, but i'm just starting to realize...what a consumer i am..even of things not physically tangible. O how I thought I was being altruistic. What selfishness truly reigns in me. I don't give unless I feel secure that someone will give something back. i don't invest in a friend thinking they're gonna trash me...etc. and yet of course it happens.
and then there's Love. The beauty of this love is intangible. What do you mean it's free? What do you mean I can't buy it? Some of us ignore it. Because it's... afterall...FREE. Or some of take it...like we take McDonald's sweet and sour packets. We pack as much of it as we can (you azns all noe what i mean) but at the end of it day, we treat it as what it is... Mcdonald's free stuff. it's not worth much. I mean there's a reason why you don't have to pay for certain things yea? You know what i mean.
But that's not Love. Wow...actually...Love is costly. SO costly, we don't even know the price of it. It's so much...it can't even be calculated. it's priceless. Priceless does not = free crap. It's an untouchable Love. It's the thing we can't have...we don't deserve. And yet, we got it, as a gift. O no...someone did pay for it, with blood. But it wasn't us, it was Jesus. He didn't pay for it, so that HE would get the Love...He paid for it so WE could get this Love. He IS Love. We can't work to get this one.
I can't believe God gave us this Divine goodness. It's all by grace..and it's not like...some cheap Mickey D's sauce, which isn't even in unlimited stock. This stuff is the real deal...so much that I can't even describe what the taste is, bc it's soo other. He lavishes it on us. I shiver...I tremble. I commune with this Love. Taking this offer is so wrong and yet so incredibly right.
I get to share it. For my sake though, i usually decide to go back to the cheap stuff that I was offering before, still expecting something in return. But He instead, has given me an overflow of the real stuff. He is the source itself. It's scary, because I'm giving to people, without getting what i WANT in return. It's humbling, because I can't claim myself to be the ultimate Giver of this love. But why should I give into my petty unfulfilled desires when I'm connected to the source of fulfillment and of the greatest thing I can ever behold? I know the authentic option is not what people are looking for...but will I be able to sacrifice immediate affirmation for what is real?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Lovesick Mistake
Oh dear what can i say?
I'm high here up and spinning away
From a kiss of a thrill to be filled
Can someone hear me?
Love what do you say?
Your mystery winds me up to be playful
Oh here goes my curious sinner within
Is someone listening? i hope no one is listening
How do i slow down? i can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what i known is it enough for me out?
I'm running on empty
I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away
Time says it's the end of the day
My inside says for your lips to forget what time says
Or do i let go of the feeling when you steal the logic around me?
Oh god save me i'm trying
How do i slow down? i can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what i known is it enough for me out?
I'm running on empty
I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away
I think i'll disappear leave my head in the air for a chance to feel
So far far away from here i know i can't stay too long
Ooh i don't belong here
I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away turn me away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
o how terribly fickle the human heart can be. I am truly a fragile being. Even my meyers briggs attests to the fact that I am a 70% feeler. I'm wired this way. Erin McCarley is bold enuff to admit it. Props to her for that. Plenty say "oh get over yourself". If things were that easy, wouldn't you think all of us would have taken that choice? There are times when our pride and self pity take hold of the best of us, and we CHOOSE to sulk in our feelings of heartache and pain. But there are days we all feel trapped.Then instead, our pride and self pity makes us unable to admit it and we hide what truly goes through our minds/hearts as rubbish and put it in the dark chambers in our souls. But those things cannot hide there for long when we seek a life with Jesus. He lays out our fears, insecurities, longings, and loneliness. The true healing process involves pain.
What have i done? I thought I did my best to guard and protect myself...but maybe i messed up somewhere along the way. The war of my heart that battles within me must be a result of the sin. Or mayB it's the way i'm made. I'm a mistake...there's something wrong with me.
But my head knows better and the Holy Spirit knows better. I'm confident that it is screwed on steadily...not perfectly, but it knows to an extent what it should. "Grace you are my beloved, with you I am well pleased". "Grace I only require you to be faithful, my power is made perfect in your weakness". "Grace, you have freedom in Christ". I force alignment of my heart to my head....but it freaking hurts!! Should i ignore that which penetrates my gut?? I should then reject my humanity and inject myself with heart novicane. there that will work. No more tears...
False rebuke lingers and floats hauntingly around me. It whispers: "Grace your suffering is a result of ur personal sin". These are the very words Job heard from His friends. Well intentioned but not true. I chose to trust the Lord with whom i allow my heart to care for. My tendency in the past is, "Grace, don't be vulnerable...ur gonna get hurt. Run away while you can." The assumption there.. is that I WILL be hurt. The question is rather...will I trust God that He will bring me through the hurt. Will I trust God in the process...that I cannot manipulate the relationship...that that relationship/person will not be my idol. I have tried my best to do simply this. I've prayed...i've resisted being impulsive and desperate and the interaction and relationship that developed was eventually one that triumphed over infatuation and molded it into respect and admiration. It's just hard, when it's one sided. When it's not mutually returned. Love was not intended to be fluffy, easy, light, and painless. I knew it would happen...and it did.
O how I desire not to be Eve. To trust in God..that he is not withholding anything good from me...though I cannot see why. He is not a killjoy...God has greater purposes beyond my mere desire to be fulfilled. But instead of giving into the curse of women bestowed because of the consequence of sin, I will seek Jesus to redeem me from this. SLOWLY but surely. Practically...this means I seek the presence of God...i seek to delight in the Lord....i seek to abide in the Lord.
This means, my feelings are not irrelevant nor necessarily wrong. But I cannot wholly depend on them. However, because I am a feeler..i must surrender them to Christ. Jesus wept too...to the point blood dripped down his brow. He felt...he was human. But He trusted God..and said "let your will be done" and submitted. Jesus embraced humanity..but he renews it and places it back to God's image and divine intention. So i must not ignore my humanity but rather fully embrace with Christ by my side (as I am learning in Christian Thought). This pain I experience will be used for something greater. I am not a mistake. God is going to work through my warts in all...in a way i will not ever fathom. I have channeled my experiences with emotions and relationships towards Christ before..and beautiful things result. The music, the sharing, the vulnerability, the testimonies.
In Women's Chorale, We've been singing songs based on the poems of Amy Carmichael. I've read up on this irish missionary to India from the early 20th century. This wonderful beautiful lady understands. She once complained that the Lord did not grant her beautiful blue eyes like the other Irish people..and she was stuck with brown ones. Boy did she grow up feeling like a mistake. However..God used this situation to help to her to relate to those in India who would have been scared of blue eyes. This lady of singleness...writes of the beautiful Divine Love that she came to know so intimately.
"Rock of my Heart and my Fortress Tower
Dear is thy love to me.
Search I the world for a word of power
Find it at Calvary
O Deeps of Love that rise and flow
Standing in awe of hereto for
Thee do I worship, Thee do I praise
and adore
Love Divine".
All by the grace of God. I choose Christ. Rock of my heart. O how i long to know thee.
I'm high here up and spinning away
From a kiss of a thrill to be filled
Can someone hear me?
Love what do you say?
Your mystery winds me up to be playful
Oh here goes my curious sinner within
Is someone listening? i hope no one is listening
How do i slow down? i can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what i known is it enough for me out?
I'm running on empty
I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away
Time says it's the end of the day
My inside says for your lips to forget what time says
Or do i let go of the feeling when you steal the logic around me?
Oh god save me i'm trying
How do i slow down? i can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what i known is it enough for me out?
I'm running on empty
I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away
I think i'll disappear leave my head in the air for a chance to feel
So far far away from here i know i can't stay too long
Ooh i don't belong here
I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away turn me away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
o how terribly fickle the human heart can be. I am truly a fragile being. Even my meyers briggs attests to the fact that I am a 70% feeler. I'm wired this way. Erin McCarley is bold enuff to admit it. Props to her for that. Plenty say "oh get over yourself". If things were that easy, wouldn't you think all of us would have taken that choice? There are times when our pride and self pity take hold of the best of us, and we CHOOSE to sulk in our feelings of heartache and pain. But there are days we all feel trapped.Then instead, our pride and self pity makes us unable to admit it and we hide what truly goes through our minds/hearts as rubbish and put it in the dark chambers in our souls. But those things cannot hide there for long when we seek a life with Jesus. He lays out our fears, insecurities, longings, and loneliness. The true healing process involves pain.
What have i done? I thought I did my best to guard and protect myself...but maybe i messed up somewhere along the way. The war of my heart that battles within me must be a result of the sin. Or mayB it's the way i'm made. I'm a mistake...there's something wrong with me.
But my head knows better and the Holy Spirit knows better. I'm confident that it is screwed on steadily...not perfectly, but it knows to an extent what it should. "Grace you are my beloved, with you I am well pleased". "Grace I only require you to be faithful, my power is made perfect in your weakness". "Grace, you have freedom in Christ". I force alignment of my heart to my head....but it freaking hurts!! Should i ignore that which penetrates my gut?? I should then reject my humanity and inject myself with heart novicane. there that will work. No more tears...
False rebuke lingers and floats hauntingly around me. It whispers: "Grace your suffering is a result of ur personal sin". These are the very words Job heard from His friends. Well intentioned but not true. I chose to trust the Lord with whom i allow my heart to care for. My tendency in the past is, "Grace, don't be vulnerable...ur gonna get hurt. Run away while you can." The assumption there.. is that I WILL be hurt. The question is rather...will I trust God that He will bring me through the hurt. Will I trust God in the process...that I cannot manipulate the relationship...that that relationship/person will not be my idol. I have tried my best to do simply this. I've prayed...i've resisted being impulsive and desperate and the interaction and relationship that developed was eventually one that triumphed over infatuation and molded it into respect and admiration. It's just hard, when it's one sided. When it's not mutually returned. Love was not intended to be fluffy, easy, light, and painless. I knew it would happen...and it did.
O how I desire not to be Eve. To trust in God..that he is not withholding anything good from me...though I cannot see why. He is not a killjoy...God has greater purposes beyond my mere desire to be fulfilled. But instead of giving into the curse of women bestowed because of the consequence of sin, I will seek Jesus to redeem me from this. SLOWLY but surely. Practically...this means I seek the presence of God...i seek to delight in the Lord....i seek to abide in the Lord.
This means, my feelings are not irrelevant nor necessarily wrong. But I cannot wholly depend on them. However, because I am a feeler..i must surrender them to Christ. Jesus wept too...to the point blood dripped down his brow. He felt...he was human. But He trusted God..and said "let your will be done" and submitted. Jesus embraced humanity..but he renews it and places it back to God's image and divine intention. So i must not ignore my humanity but rather fully embrace with Christ by my side (as I am learning in Christian Thought). This pain I experience will be used for something greater. I am not a mistake. God is going to work through my warts in all...in a way i will not ever fathom. I have channeled my experiences with emotions and relationships towards Christ before..and beautiful things result. The music, the sharing, the vulnerability, the testimonies.
In Women's Chorale, We've been singing songs based on the poems of Amy Carmichael. I've read up on this irish missionary to India from the early 20th century. This wonderful beautiful lady understands. She once complained that the Lord did not grant her beautiful blue eyes like the other Irish people..and she was stuck with brown ones. Boy did she grow up feeling like a mistake. However..God used this situation to help to her to relate to those in India who would have been scared of blue eyes. This lady of singleness...writes of the beautiful Divine Love that she came to know so intimately.
"Rock of my Heart and my Fortress Tower
Dear is thy love to me.
Search I the world for a word of power
Find it at Calvary
O Deeps of Love that rise and flow
Standing in awe of hereto for
Thee do I worship, Thee do I praise
and adore
Love Divine".
All by the grace of God. I choose Christ. Rock of my heart. O how i long to know thee.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Tremble - Nichole Nordeman
Have I come too casually?
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity
with informality
And still protect the Sacred?
'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne
And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not,
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
What a shame to think that I'd appear
Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave
As if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation?
'Cause you came and stood among the very least of us
And it's easy to forget you left a throne
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity
with informality
And still protect the Sacred?
'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne
And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not,
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
What a shame to think that I'd appear
Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave
As if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation?
'Cause you came and stood among the very least of us
And it's easy to forget you left a throne
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
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