I was standing with my roommate Emily at the door of Fischer dorm as we peered out into the dark pathway up to the entrance. The rain was splashing and the wind was rustling. I was like "o dear.." As many of you know, I despise the rain, not just bc the days r gloomier with the clouds in the air, not just bc the rain makes the dirt mushy and all over the place, but mainly bc my skin breaks out in rashes when I come into contact with it. I always hated being caught dead without my umbrella and rainboots...but this time it was different. The smell of the grass and humidity was enticing and the sounds of the drops hitting the pavement was soothing. Then I told myself..."Grace..just do it". Emily was smirking at me with her beautiful blue eyes...and that was when I knew I couldn't give the opportunity up...I had never done ne thing like this b4...intentionally that is. I felt my skin squeezing in fear even as the thought was entering my mind. But I wanted to be bold. I left my hoodie and flipflops and before you know it...I was outside the door.
Once your out...your out. I ran down the ramped pathway with my arms open wide...smiling..laughing. The water was tickling my feet and the rain was whipping at my arms. I was dancing and bolting through puddles with my roommate...which was hilarious bc I never run. I felt like a little kid again...flying like an airplane and acting goofy thru the refreshing water sprinkles. We ran down the sidewalks and across the street (mind u...Wheaton is not car bz) onto the cobblestones..when we stopped. As I walked up the water streaming down...it occurred to me: Grace you're free and you're beautiful.
I felt beautiful and joyful...because I had just taken a risk, not caring whether my hair was soaked, my makeup was running, my clothes were drenched, if i was nasty, or if my skin was dying. I think I looked like a crazy kid to some of the passerby-ers...but I didn't care. I'm beautiful...that how God made me and my beauty does not depend on how others saw me nor does it depend on how I see myself.
As I was washing up, somehow I thought up about my past AP Lit class. Rain in literature is a symbol of rebirth, purification of a Christ-like figure (me and Michelle were joking bout it). Not to make this blog more of an English novel to read, but what better story than to talk bout that the one that God is writing for me?
For the past few months, since summer started, I've been kinda lost. Who am I? I KNOW I'm a child of God but I sure don't feel like it all the time...What does this mean anyways? Being a child of God doesn't mean you don't question..and that you hav it all together. My usual pleasures and desires were running dry, the things I usually took joy in doing were things I was ashamed of or just repelled by, my insecurities were wrestling inside of me, and I felt like I had been tainted with cynicism, negativity, and selfishness. I felt like a selfish daughter and sister, a clingy and crappy friend, a hopeless pianist, a puny singer, a confused dancer, an ugly duckling, and so on and so forth. But most of all...i felt like a failure in the eyes of my God. I knew I was a child of God...but I felt like a terrible and ungrateful one. My thoughts and feelings shadowed my life and my purpose. I didn't know what I was pursuing anymore.
But the Lord is good, omniscient, and faithful. Remember that your faith is not dependent on yourself but upon the Lord. As my pastor always sed, "it doesn't matter that you have a lot of faith...but it matter who your faith is in." Because I lost sight of who my God is, I lost myself. The Gracie I had built for myself was crashing down. The things on which my identity were built upon were the things I was good at, the people I associated with, my personality, my achievements, where I was from, my dreams, and how good of a Christian I was. Those are not bad...but they are not the rock on which I should stand. My God. I was concerned with the way my life looked...but God was concerned about who I was.
When you are weak, God's grace abounds. that's what's been happening to me. He's been doing it thru tears, chats over coffee, thru my China trip, thru joy, thru heartbreaks, and etc. It's amazing how God has been guiding me. I've been surprised from my encounters with people (ask me sometime if u wanna noe). Slowly, as I keep my eyes on Jesus, I've been healing and finding myself...but all because I'm finding him.
One of my favorite songs is "All I wanna do" by Ginny Owens. It's beautiful musically but also lyrically. One of my fav lines is "Make me a new creation now, fill me with all you are, and be all I am somehow."
All that is to say...the running and singing thru the rain experience...is like a symbol of my life. I noe God has been sanctifying me all along...he continues to renew and purify me and will, until all that's left is Christ. The rain was scary, but it washed my fears, and it made me realize the beauty that can be seen in something seemingly awful, and the freedom that comes when you let go and let God (that doesn't mean ur lazy and u sit and do nothing). The rain was beautiful...bc it was made by God...and so am I. Its ironic how God made me realize that with something i despised so much.
Leviticus 11:46 "You shall be holy, for I am holy"
Gracie
