Sometimes life just hurts.
Existence is painful. Just being alive is more than you can handle. Pain shoots thru your body and dwells in your heart and gut.
I've been having these moments the past month or so.
For me...my thorn, my eczema has been most torturous...more than it's been for a while. But accompanied with it comes uncertainty, fear, a burning sensation in my heart and on my skin, and shame. There are nights when I'm holding on dearly and i'm breathless...restless.
Lord, take me now. I don't care ne more. I wanna just be at peace with you.
Silence. Darkness
A tear drops down the side of my cheek. I muffle myself in sobs bc I can't let anyone hear me.
I fight to get a breath. I ask and beg to see God's face. This is what I get?
Everything that I could practically do to heal myself has failed me. Those whom i trust most can only watch, pray, and wait with me. I'm ashamed, knowing that other people in the world might just have it worst than I do in the moment. But when you're in a storm...you're swallowed sometimes.
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Thankfully for me...this time, God has graciously granted me the dawn of a new day. His new mercies every morning have been glowing undeniably. This is how he has blessed me. I can't say this will happen all the time... but for now, I'm in awe.
Those around me pray for me, when I can no longer speak for myself. I'm weary, and this is when the love of the body and of Christ is most evident in the most broken of people. No longer are we pretending to be perfect. We're just as messed up as the next person...but that's how we are able to get each other.
You don't experience the resurrection that christ promises unless you die and suffer first. Shouldn't I trust the man who gets the most of all. The Savior of my soul and my entire being?
I have been seeing God's face. In a way..i've been terrified of before...actually I still am. But nonetheless...a glimpse of God is treasure greater than anything that this world can offer. It's better than my coming first kiss, than euphoria from a musical moment, or an achievement of a goal. Those things can all exhibit God's awesomeness too. But it's when you're most weak and terrified and the Lord reveals to you Himself...not even thru your own efforts. You finally feel you're close to home.
But i can't get too comfy here. This is not my permanent residence. Soon and very soon... i will see Him completely. O dear. I'm gonna melt. i can't wait. :)
Gracie.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
*blush*
If u guys know me, I'm a person full of embarrassing moments. Imma pretty clumsy person and tho i've tried to be a person who's down to earth, I'm quite a daydreamer and hence careless stupid things tend to happen when I'm consumed with my thoughts. I laff at most of these moments. Afterall, they make life more interesting and funny. :)
Today at Masterworks Festival, a bassoon prof shared a devo about embarrassing moments. He asked us if we were haunted by our past and how there are moments in our lives that we're not too proud of. He prompted us with the passsage of Acts 20, when a young man fell asleep during Pauls' preaching and he fell off the window and died. But by the grace of God, he was raised back to life and brought in by Paul.
Talk about embarrassing. The prof then went on to ask us, if we live from one embarrassing moment to another. My stomach dropped. Just earlier to day, an embarrassing moment popped in my head. I have plenty of humorous ones, but I have plenty of legitimately painful and shameful ones. You can call me vain. Because I am. But it's not just that. Even tho the ppl who were there with me at the moment have forgotten it or have moved on, my heart wanted so badly, a do-over.
I've been an energizer bunny running with the battery of fear. As some of u know, I've been struggling these past few years in college to love the piano. Part of me grew more bitter everyday towards it, to the point I hated practicing bc somedays I would cry. I was ashamed of the situation and of myself, I didn't know what to do, bc to the ppl I talked, I felt like they didn't completely get it. In my mind, I thought, they're good at this art, so they don't have anything to be ashamed. Selfish and deceitful for me to think that way. It finally occured to me that this shame and bitterness stems from the countless piano mess-ups I've had. I could not relinquish almost all of my performances and auditions in the past. You might think to yourself "she's so melodramatic"...mayB I am. I'm a perfectionist in this way. However, truthfully some of these experiences left me in tears. My teachers questioned why I could play the pieces well in secret, but could never do it on stage. I questioned why I cared so much about music and piano enough to embarrass myself in front of ppl (not to mention, pursue a degree in music performance). It didn't make any sense.
One of my key moments was when I auditioned for my top choice college. It was the very last audition, and in some sense, tho it was the best of the schools i tried for, it wasn't supposed to be the most demanding audition. The teacher I wanted to study with, there, was excited to see me and I was too. It was my last audition and I thought I would nail it. But things were not in my control and the day ended with a depressing talk with the teacher. He gently told me that my chances of making it in were slim and that it was not my best day...probably of the inconsistency that was represented in my performance. He wished my broken dreams the best of luck and I walked away with a fake smile on my face. From then, it's been hard to rebound. Sure I moved on from the experience and pretending that I was satisfied with the place God ended up choosing for me, but my heart was then so guarded by fear that every time it came to perform or audition, I was afraid and either broke down to the point I couldn't play or practice, I ran away in fear, or came out just disheartened all over. I lost heart to have anything to do with people of prestige/skill in music bc they made me insecure and I shyed away, for a while, from golden opportunities to show my skill bc I was terrified at messing up all over. I grew to despise my playing in many ways and tho i've tried so hard to prove to myself and others that I was capable, I was always discouraged at the end of it.
But the prof sed to us clearly today. God loves u regardless of where we're at. He died for us while we were still sinners. You never have to be good enuff to earn his love and grace. My heart knows this and tho it embraces it for my salvation's and my spiritual life's sake, I disregard it as rubbish when it comes to my music life. I know I don't have to earn God's favor. It was an understatement to me that the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and the God of universe loved a stupid lil mess up like me. I couldn't understand how a person who's been granted fabulous musical learning opportunities could be redeemed even after she's fudged all the great chances to show that she's blessed. What I desired and wanted most, was for the world to love me and be impressed by me, whether that's in music, thru my beauty, my intelligence, and etc. I would be able to feel the immediate reward and affirmation. But what does it profit if I gain the whole world and lose my soul? Is my treasure here on earth or in heaven?
The prof ended with a strong prayer for us all. He prayed that we would no longer be shackled by our shameful pasts, but that we find true freedom in Christ.
I want that freedom. I hope I can truly and fully live the life He gave me abundantly. So that is my prayer now.
Gracie
Today at Masterworks Festival, a bassoon prof shared a devo about embarrassing moments. He asked us if we were haunted by our past and how there are moments in our lives that we're not too proud of. He prompted us with the passsage of Acts 20, when a young man fell asleep during Pauls' preaching and he fell off the window and died. But by the grace of God, he was raised back to life and brought in by Paul.
Talk about embarrassing. The prof then went on to ask us, if we live from one embarrassing moment to another. My stomach dropped. Just earlier to day, an embarrassing moment popped in my head. I have plenty of humorous ones, but I have plenty of legitimately painful and shameful ones. You can call me vain. Because I am. But it's not just that. Even tho the ppl who were there with me at the moment have forgotten it or have moved on, my heart wanted so badly, a do-over.
I've been an energizer bunny running with the battery of fear. As some of u know, I've been struggling these past few years in college to love the piano. Part of me grew more bitter everyday towards it, to the point I hated practicing bc somedays I would cry. I was ashamed of the situation and of myself, I didn't know what to do, bc to the ppl I talked, I felt like they didn't completely get it. In my mind, I thought, they're good at this art, so they don't have anything to be ashamed. Selfish and deceitful for me to think that way. It finally occured to me that this shame and bitterness stems from the countless piano mess-ups I've had. I could not relinquish almost all of my performances and auditions in the past. You might think to yourself "she's so melodramatic"...mayB I am. I'm a perfectionist in this way. However, truthfully some of these experiences left me in tears. My teachers questioned why I could play the pieces well in secret, but could never do it on stage. I questioned why I cared so much about music and piano enough to embarrass myself in front of ppl (not to mention, pursue a degree in music performance). It didn't make any sense.
One of my key moments was when I auditioned for my top choice college. It was the very last audition, and in some sense, tho it was the best of the schools i tried for, it wasn't supposed to be the most demanding audition. The teacher I wanted to study with, there, was excited to see me and I was too. It was my last audition and I thought I would nail it. But things were not in my control and the day ended with a depressing talk with the teacher. He gently told me that my chances of making it in were slim and that it was not my best day...probably of the inconsistency that was represented in my performance. He wished my broken dreams the best of luck and I walked away with a fake smile on my face. From then, it's been hard to rebound. Sure I moved on from the experience and pretending that I was satisfied with the place God ended up choosing for me, but my heart was then so guarded by fear that every time it came to perform or audition, I was afraid and either broke down to the point I couldn't play or practice, I ran away in fear, or came out just disheartened all over. I lost heart to have anything to do with people of prestige/skill in music bc they made me insecure and I shyed away, for a while, from golden opportunities to show my skill bc I was terrified at messing up all over. I grew to despise my playing in many ways and tho i've tried so hard to prove to myself and others that I was capable, I was always discouraged at the end of it.
But the prof sed to us clearly today. God loves u regardless of where we're at. He died for us while we were still sinners. You never have to be good enuff to earn his love and grace. My heart knows this and tho it embraces it for my salvation's and my spiritual life's sake, I disregard it as rubbish when it comes to my music life. I know I don't have to earn God's favor. It was an understatement to me that the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and the God of universe loved a stupid lil mess up like me. I couldn't understand how a person who's been granted fabulous musical learning opportunities could be redeemed even after she's fudged all the great chances to show that she's blessed. What I desired and wanted most, was for the world to love me and be impressed by me, whether that's in music, thru my beauty, my intelligence, and etc. I would be able to feel the immediate reward and affirmation. But what does it profit if I gain the whole world and lose my soul? Is my treasure here on earth or in heaven?
The prof ended with a strong prayer for us all. He prayed that we would no longer be shackled by our shameful pasts, but that we find true freedom in Christ.
I want that freedom. I hope I can truly and fully live the life He gave me abundantly. So that is my prayer now.
Gracie
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