I must remember this.

Sometimes life just hurts.

Existence is painful. Just being alive is more than you can handle. Pain shoots thru your body and dwells in your heart and gut.

I've been having these moments the past month or so.

For me...my thorn, my eczema has been most torturous...more than it's been for a while. But accompanied with it comes uncertainty, fear, a burning sensation in my heart and on my skin, and shame. There are nights when I'm holding on dearly and i'm breathless...restless.

Lord, take me now. I don't care ne more. I wanna just be at peace with you.

Silence. Darkness

A tear drops down the side of my cheek. I muffle myself in sobs bc I can't let anyone hear me.

I fight to get a breath. I ask and beg to see God's face. This is what I get?

Everything that I could practically do to heal myself has failed me. Those whom i trust most can only watch, pray, and wait with me. I'm ashamed, knowing that other people in the world might just have it worst than I do in the moment. But when you're in a storm...you're swallowed sometimes.



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Thankfully for me...this time, God has graciously granted me the dawn of a new day. His new mercies every morning have been glowing undeniably. This is how he has blessed me. I can't say this will happen all the time... but for now, I'm in awe.

Those around me pray for me, when I can no longer speak for myself. I'm weary, and this is when the love of the body and of Christ is most evident in the most broken of people. No longer are we pretending to be perfect. We're just as messed up as the next person...but that's how we are able to get each other.

You don't experience the resurrection that christ promises unless you die and suffer first. Shouldn't I trust the man who gets the most of all. The Savior of my soul and my entire being?

I have been seeing God's face. In a way..i've been terrified of before...actually I still am. But nonetheless...a glimpse of God is treasure greater than anything that this world can offer. It's better than my coming first kiss, than euphoria from a musical moment, or an achievement of a goal. Those things can all exhibit God's awesomeness too. But it's when you're most weak and terrified and the Lord reveals to you Himself...not even thru your own efforts. You finally feel you're close to home.

But i can't get too comfy here. This is not my permanent residence. Soon and very soon... i will see Him completely. O dear. I'm gonna melt. i can't wait. :)

Gracie.