(I apologize...for what you are about to read, is not based on any specific scripture, but rather what has been revealed to me lately thru various events. This goes to show that I need to memorize more scripture. :P)
I love my voice. Not really just my talking or singing. I mean more so... the ability to vocalize my thoughts. God somehow has blessed me with the talent of being articulate...of being expressive. Somehow, he's developed me in ways thru which I'm able to show whats in my heart and head comprehensively, thru means of writing, talking, singing, playing music, dancing, and drawing. I dunno why or how...but I know God's behind it all. I sincerely thank Him. I'm an emotional person and I dunno who I would be without these mediums of expression.
But there are just those days...I can't seem to portray ne thing. Its something so incredibly painful...and also indescribable. You search for all the right vocabulary, for all the right notes, and movements....only to get frustrated and then sit in stillness and silence. You sit soaking up your emotions until you're to weary or until you grown numb. Sometimes you sit thoughtless...only knowing that it hurts or that it excites.
But what is it like to be like this everyday? For me, these experiences are only glimpses of the norm for certain individuals. Perhaps they're silenced by their inability to break down mixtures of emotions or thoughts, or by their government, by oppression, by their family, or by their pain and torture. Fear takes control of them or even anger. What is it like to feel restricted? Or possibly, what is it like to be not only constantly scrutinized and judged, but punished for what is vocalized? These people have hearts that are about to explode..or maybe they're crying out feeling that they are without hope....or that no one is there to hear or, rather, understand them. Those who are able or bold enuff to speak are persecuted...perhaps killed. What matters?
I can only imagine what it's like to have grown up with parents who beat you every time you said a word. I can only imagine what it's like to be a girl who is sexually and physically abused everyday and grows up quietly harboring anger towards men. I can only imagine what it is to be a man who can't find a job because he's a certain race...and then to come home to a family who refuses to be associated with him. I can only imagine what it's like to sit on the streets barely clothed, not even being glanced at by the passerbys. I can only imagine what it's like to be depressed and the only way to show pain is by cutting myself. Who's there to hear these stories? Who's there so speak for those who can't do it themselves?
God has been steadily teaching me when to be silent and when not to be silent (o my...how hard it is).
I'm starting to realize how essential silence (not mindlessness or falling asleep), on top of listening and meditating to God's word, can be to prayer. It's a part of listening. Being quiet allows me to recognize who God is. I remember when he told Moses "I AM WHO I AM". I remember that He is sovereign, holy, good, faithful, loving, etc. I have to draw back to Him first...because all things come into better and focus...I'm human, I can only see and understand so much. Also in silence...i start to hear and listen the cries of his people...whether it is in my times of prayer or times of conversation. Finally my heart begins to break for what breaks God's. When I have finally listened....then slowly things begin to sort out themselves in me.
Now I know what to say. How blessed am I to be able to pray to the God Almighty. The veil is torn. How blessed am I that he has enabled me to vocalize in various ways. Even if I don't understand all that I'm thinking...the spirit knows and prays for me. But nevertheless, I'm responsible now. How can I go on living now....ignoring and neglecting those in need? I am the voice to the voiceless.
I know I can't save the world. I really hope God will grant me the chance to at least be a voice for those who need it...in whatever way he chooses. Maybe I'll be able to write songs one day for people...or draw something or write an article.. Who knows? But I know regardless...that he at the very least has commanded me to pray about it... to surrender it at the feet of the King. That I know I can do. Now it it's just a matter of whether I will do it.
