I think my biggest prayer request that continues to plague my mind, is for my relationship with my host mom. She's a divorced woman in about her 60s whose children are grown up and living abroad. She is very French, but rather conservative compared to others. She doesn't drink, even at dinner, she has a concern for conservation of energy and things, and she has conservative political tastes in comparison to the French tendency towards socialism. Its interesting having conversations with her bc she teaches me a lot about society and how modernization has affected the way of life, such as how many of the couples her age are divorced now, how young people neglect family time, how manners and chivalry are forgotten, and how sad it all is. Those things are interesting, seeing that she isn't truly Christian, but she is likes to keep Catholic traditions. She values strong integrity. She has many criticisms towards the church that she hints, but she will, once in a while, mention that France is Christian by it's nature and it's origin. She knows that I do my best to attend church and bible studies every week and perhaps she understands that I take my faith seriously, though I've never had the chance to vocalize it. She is accepting of my practices, but she has before told me her fear towards the church. (sidenote: The longer I stay here, the longer I grow sad for the pain the Church as brought upon others, in the name of Christ. We need redemption.)
But i always feel uneasy around her. There are certain things around the house she is strict with, and yet I understand. She is teaching me how to be respectful to those around me, especially with those I live. For instance, I can't be up late moving around my room bc the floors creak, the walls are thin, my drawers are too noisy, and it disturbs those who sleep below me and in the rooms next door. I have to be conscious of so much...it's sometimes burdensome. She's told me, she's only strict with those whom she cares for. Thankfully, I know she cares for me...but sometimes I get nervous and I feel like I'm walking on a fragile line between making her happy or making her upset. It's funny, bc the times i upset her are sometimes the moments when I try to help.
Don't get me wrong. She's a caring and nice lady. We have good chats together, and she's helped me out with my film class for which we watch French movies together. But there are good days and bad days..and that's the reality when we live with other people yes? especially with those outside of our comfy families.
Hence, can you pray for me? Perhaps that there will be peace in our relationship and in my heart, I think i've messed up a number of times with her, which I think is normal, like a child messes up in front of his or her parents. The people-pleaser side of me is always unsettled. Grace is not a concept i think people understand well, w/o Jesus. Also pray for Christ's light to shine through me.
2ndly, i've tried attending a French Bible study on Tuesday nights. Apparently that is not ideal considering the fact that dinnertime at home is valuable to my host mom. I hope to find a replacement. On top of that, I would love to be bold in seeking out a true French Christian community, when and where that will be, I am not sure.
But one thing I am thankful for are for the few friends from home that have visited me here in Paris. I am getting better acquainted with many of my friends here, which i am also truly thankful for, but it's special to see friends from home in a completely different environment. I get to share a bit of what's been going on. They are a huge encouragement for me.
3rdly, perhaps i shouldn't be concerned with my life back home, bc it can be a distraction, but I'm in prayer for next school year. I'm not sure whether the Lord is calling me to serve in Koinonia or WAC. It's my senior year and i, as always, feel the collision of my life as a musician and my other life. I desire so much to walk away from music, not to give up entirely, but to no longer have it's duties haunt me. I never feel at peace bc "i need to practice". If I am called to devote my time to serving next year, I will need to sacrifice a few important things in the musical realm. Please pray for clarity and patience. But w/e I decide, may it be humbly for the Lord, and may I know that the Lord is already pleased with me.
Lastly, I am struggling with my disciplines bc somehow they don't seem to enrich my life, and I'm not sure why. I dunno if I'm just trying to feel the Spirit, when that isn't exactly what I should be aiming for. Maybe rather, the Lord desires faithfulness. I weep bc I am paralyzed when I pray or I feel like I'm mumbling insignificant things. I dunno if it's because I'm outside of the magical world of Wheaton or WAC or CCUC, and now the "ordinary life" isn't what i expected in my time here. But the Lord is faithful and I am trying to be non-complacent in the most mundane circumstances, as I have learned from a few summers ago. May God reveal Himself to me as He revealed Himself to Jacob in Egypt.
Thanks so much. :)
