Lovesick Mistake

Oh dear what can i say?
I'm high here up and spinning away
From a kiss of a thrill to be filled
Can someone hear me?

Love what do you say?
Your mystery winds me up to be playful
Oh here goes my curious sinner within
Is someone listening? i hope no one is listening

How do i slow down? i can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what i known is it enough for me out?
I'm running on empty

I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away

Time says it's the end of the day
My inside says for your lips to forget what time says
Or do i let go of the feeling when you steal the logic around me?
Oh god save me i'm trying

How do i slow down? i can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what i known is it enough for me out?
I'm running on empty

I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away

I think i'll disappear leave my head in the air for a chance to feel
So far far away from here i know i can't stay too long
Ooh i don't belong here

I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away turn me away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

o how terribly fickle the human heart can be. I am truly a fragile being. Even my meyers briggs attests to the fact that I am a 70% feeler. I'm wired this way. Erin McCarley is bold enuff to admit it. Props to her for that. Plenty say "oh get over yourself". If things were that easy, wouldn't you think all of us would have taken that choice? There are times when our pride and self pity take hold of the best of us, and we CHOOSE to sulk in our feelings of heartache and pain. But there are days we all feel trapped.Then instead, our pride and self pity makes us unable to admit it and we hide what truly goes through our minds/hearts as rubbish and put it in the dark chambers in our souls. But those things cannot hide there for long when we seek a life with Jesus. He lays out our fears, insecurities, longings, and loneliness. The true healing process involves pain.

What have i done? I thought I did my best to guard and protect myself...but maybe i messed up somewhere along the way. The war of my heart that battles within me must be a result of the sin. Or mayB it's the way i'm made. I'm a mistake...there's something wrong with me.

But my head knows better and the Holy Spirit knows better. I'm confident that it is screwed on steadily...not perfectly, but it knows to an extent what it should. "Grace you are my beloved, with you I am well pleased". "Grace I only require you to be faithful, my power is made perfect in your weakness". "Grace, you have freedom in Christ". I force alignment of my heart to my head....but it freaking hurts!! Should i ignore that which penetrates my gut?? I should then reject my humanity and inject myself with heart novicane. there that will work. No more tears...

False rebuke lingers and floats hauntingly around me. It whispers: "Grace your suffering is a result of ur personal sin". These are the very words Job heard from His friends. Well intentioned but not true. I chose to trust the Lord with whom i allow my heart to care for. My tendency in the past is, "Grace, don't be vulnerable...ur gonna get hurt. Run away while you can." The assumption there.. is that I WILL be hurt. The question is rather...will I trust God that He will bring me through the hurt. Will I trust God in the process...that I cannot manipulate the relationship...that that relationship/person will not be my idol. I have tried my best to do simply this. I've prayed...i've resisted being impulsive and desperate and the interaction and relationship that developed was eventually one that triumphed over infatuation and molded it into respect and admiration. It's just hard, when it's one sided. When it's not mutually returned. Love was not intended to be fluffy, easy, light, and painless. I knew it would happen...and it did.

O how I desire not to be Eve. To trust in God..that he is not withholding anything good from me...though I cannot see why. He is not a killjoy...God has greater purposes beyond my mere desire to be fulfilled. But instead of giving into the curse of women bestowed because of the consequence of sin, I will seek Jesus to redeem me from this. SLOWLY but surely. Practically...this means I seek the presence of God...i seek to delight in the Lord....i seek to abide in the Lord.

This means, my feelings are not irrelevant nor necessarily wrong. But I cannot wholly depend on them. However, because I am a feeler..i must surrender them to Christ. Jesus wept too...to the point blood dripped down his brow. He felt...he was human. But He trusted God..and said "let your will be done" and submitted. Jesus embraced humanity..but he renews it and places it back to God's image and divine intention. So i must not ignore my humanity but rather fully embrace with Christ by my side (as I am learning in Christian Thought). This pain I experience will be used for something greater. I am not a mistake. God is going to work through my warts in all...in a way i will not ever fathom. I have channeled my experiences with emotions and relationships towards Christ before..and beautiful things result. The music, the sharing, the vulnerability, the testimonies.

In Women's Chorale, We've been singing songs based on the poems of Amy Carmichael. I've read up on this irish missionary to India from the early 20th century. This wonderful beautiful lady understands. She once complained that the Lord did not grant her beautiful blue eyes like the other Irish people..and she was stuck with brown ones. Boy did she grow up feeling like a mistake. However..God used this situation to help to her to relate to those in India who would have been scared of blue eyes. This lady of singleness...writes of the beautiful Divine Love that she came to know so intimately.

"Rock of my Heart and my Fortress Tower
Dear is thy love to me.
Search I the world for a word of power
Find it at Calvary
O Deeps of Love that rise and flow
Standing in awe of hereto for
Thee do I worship, Thee do I praise
and adore
Love Divine".

All by the grace of God. I choose Christ. Rock of my heart. O how i long to know thee.