God has been soo gracious with me upon my return home from what seemed like a desert in Paris. I can't believe how many blessings he's showered on me even after just being back for a month. He's constantly reminding me that He is at work in the world, and that I need patience to wait, but also the willingness to seek for His goodness in the things that already are.
Just recently has the Lord been affirming thru brothers and sisters, and the Word that my passions are given by Him. I was beginning to believe that my dreams were foolish and unrealistic. Afterall, I've always been a dreamer and the possibilities that swarm in my imagination have been a bunch of fairytales I created to comfort or remove myself from reality, ever since I was a kid.
But it's been rare that i've seen my dreams come alive. I know God's been reminding me of His sovereignty and omniscience, so who am I to complain and challenge?
Now things are coming into fruition. I thought my petty desire to go to Paris or France in general would be forbidden to pursue. It just seemed too much out of reach. I just rewatched Beauty and the Beast (for the 1000th time) and my dad laughed at me. I believe this movie had a unordinarily large influence on my desire to love the French language and to see the franco world myself. And though the experience didn't turn out the way I had hoped for it to, I still acknowledge it is God who granted the chance and that He still used it to grow me.
My calling. God has spoken to me quite clearly these past few months... and it's terrifying me. It's something I'm passionate bout and yet I have been slow to truly and fully accept it. I'm beginning to understand why the Lord had withheld telling me earlier, even though there were suspicions running thru my mind. First, I believe He wanted to see if i would be faithful with where I was, 2nd He knew I was not quite ready to focus on it, and 3rd He wanted to see that if I was stripped of it, if I would see be fully satisfied in Him alone.
I told one of my best friends about the calling the other day. She smiled at the encouragement I received, but then I started weeping (I cry a lot)..
"Oh no, not now. Why are you crying?"
"I'm scared"
"Why??"
I thought to myself, "Em, you don't get it. The people I want to serve and serve with, don't want me. I'm not good enough for them. I'm good enough for God, but not for them."
...I had slowly been coming to this gross realization in my heart, that even if the Lord called me to this, I was deemed not good enough by others. At that moment, it hit me hard. I knew, I refused in my heart to pursue the calling, because I would be shadowed by those around me who I saw as more capable, I didn't want to look a fool, because in the past people have questioned me. Instantly, popped faces in my head of people that were adored for that which I am pursuing and how they're so easily trusted, when I feel like I have to fight to be noticed. I know the person i should focus on is God. My work and devotion is not to men and it is for His Glory to be seen that I live my life. But it's a battle.
Today Dr. McCord spoke on Haggai 2: 1-8. He asked the congregation, " Do any of u guys feel like ur 2nd best...?" He proceeded to talk about he Israelites in the book of Haggai who labored to rebuild the Temple. In their minds, it was nothing like the one that Solomon built, nothing near the splendor that the temple was once before. and yet, God encourages them. He is not looking for rooms of gold to dwell in. But his shekinah glory will be even greater in this seemingly ordinary temple and He will shake the earth. Little did these people know when they were working to be faithful, that the Son of God Himself, Jesus Christ would walk and teach in this temple. Christ Himself, was not what the chosen people wanted. Seemingly, ordinary and weak He was, but was the one to conquer sin and death, through a humble manner, the cross.
4 Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
(Isaiah 53)
And so now, I will dedicate myself, to realize that it is not the worldly or material things that matter, even if that is what others are pressing for me to believe. Instead, I choose to see the glory of God manifested in the weak things of this world, so that they may shame the strong, to shame the Wise. Because then all the glory, honor, and power go to Him alone.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Getting my vision clearer...
I went to the Optometrist today. It had been quite a day so I expected to have a quick breeze-through appointment to get my contacts after a long day of singing w/ little kiddies in JSP. What I didn't expect was for God to meet me at the small Costco eye office.
I sat down in the chair w/ the big mechanism in front of my face, hoping to once more to find the best way for my eyes to see the tiny letters projected on the wall in front of me. I noticed right as I walked in that the doctor asked me how I was doing. At first, I thought it was one of those everyday, routine, supposed-to-be-polite greetings, and I said "I'm good". But he asked me again, a bit emphatic the second time, as if he hadn't heard my answer. Which struck me as a bit odd, so I gave him a bit more of an answer telling him I had just had a long day at work. He chuckled gently at my answer...I could instantly tell he was a soften spoken man. He proceeded to check out my eyes and asked, as he should, whether or not I had been consistently wearing my contacts. I told him yes, but however, that I hadn't worn them in 6 months because I had just went abroad. He asked where I went, i told him France. Eventually told him i went to study French and music there.
"What instrument?"
"Piano"
"O really?? I'm married to a pianist... She made it through Indiana University (a prestigious school for music). Now she's just composing and really into ceramics. I can't get her outta the clay."
It peaked my curiosity. Apparently piano was not the only thing she loved. I get her.
"Amazing, she loves other art."
"Oh yea, you both have it hard as musicians. People always say they want to be as good as her. She only replies, Yea well if anyone locks themselves in a room for hours everyday to practice, then anyone can be good..."
"HAHA, yea I totally agree. It's those claustrophobic rooms"
"Were you in France for a high school program or university...?"
"I was on a study abroad program for a university in France, but really I study at Wheaton College"
Oddly enough, it took me some bit of courage to even tell him such. Wheaton College... not many people know of it really. They kinda mix it up with the other school in MA w/ the same exact name. and if I end up telling whoever it is that it's Christian..it gets awkward..but I decided I can't be ashamed of it...
"Wheaton?...You mean you're part of the Wheaton College Conservatory? That's a good school. Actually my wife used to teach at Moody as a piano professor".
The way he said Wheaton. I knew he knew the school at the instant it came out of his mouth. The adults on campus aspirate what I would normally think is the silent "h". I laughed inside.
"She was a College professor. She loved the kids, but she didn't like the administrative part of teaching. She ended up giving up her job to be a stay-at-home mom.It's hard"
A question that I had thought of before. He squinted his eyes at me. Examining to see how open to conversation i would be...i returned w/ a smile.
"Wow. Yea I've question this nearly everyday."
"It's demanding. My wife gave up pursuing the stage-life. She's no longer a college professor. But it's ok. She takes up accompanying jobs, vocal coaching, and she composes. Sometimes you guys are trained and forced to believe those few are the only jobs worth taking. It's about getting the reputation. It's not true and that's not always what God creates you to be. That might not be exactly your passion. The Spirit will lead to you it.... Haha I'm sure you learned a lot about humility in France...didn't you? Where were you exactly?"
"HAHA...yea EVERYDAY. I learned bout humility everyday (shakes head). I was in Paris. hehe yea I know. Actually in France, it all of sudden clicked to me, that I didn't know what I was gonna do after college, and I didn't have to be the piano professor I always had strived to be. But it was all right and i'm trusting in God. It was like He told me, it doesn't matter what you do, I'll be there with you. What I want for you is to become like Christ. I will make you into the person you're supposed to be."
"Uh huh. You just have to be faithful. Even as a physician I had so many choices. I did residency, fellowship, etc. It took me a while to figure out this is what I wanted to do. So then how are you gonna finish your last year? What else are you looking at?"
"Um..well. I'll be finishing my degree in piano and I'm going to work the best I can, especially for my senior recital. But i also prayed about the decision to serve in a ministry on campus and I'm gonna try to balance both. I love helping out people...i get energy from it...not like I'm gonna go into full-time ministry...."
"Everything you do is full-time ministry. Whatever field you serve..."
He shared about how his wife was good at evangelism. But sometimes she just wants people to understand that that isn't where her passion is even though she can do it.
"She loves to create. Her art is her ministry. It's the thing she feels most at peace about. She knows God created her to do it."
He shared how she's writing an opera, collaborating with other musicians from the chicago land area...and though it's a lot of work, she's happy, AND she tells stories of God through her work.
"You guys as pianists are so good at trying to live up to people's expectations. We're not supposed to focus on the world's expectations."
Bingo. the reason i ran away to Paris. I needed a break from following what everyone else convinced me to do. Never felt like risking relationships, so I always was good at doing what everyone wanted me to do. Couldn't take it anymore. I needed to breathe.
"Yea Imma try to be a steward of what I've been given as a faithful as I can. I'm gonna try not to slack off".
"HAHA....you pianists don't ever slack off. Not worried bout you....now can you see the letters on the wall?"
I finished my check up and got a nice pair of contact lenses to try out til my follow up. The connection between the new found brother in Christ was interrupted when my semi-boisterous mom came into the office and said her duty was to pay for me. I never expect anything else from my mom. The gentle doctor caught off guard by her loud but oddly cheery personality just responded "So the total will be 500 dollars...and i get to treat you guys out to dinner too...just joking :)". My mom laughed. We said bye to another and i thanked him.
I didn't know the name of my doctor. He was in a rush to see his last patient, not surprisingly since i took up so much time. He was filling in for the doctor who was not in today. But yet, the nameless stranger,made it clear we are of the same family of Christ. I had a divine appointment...and little did I know that not only my eye vision would get better, but my soul/heart vision.
Thank you Lord. :)
I sat down in the chair w/ the big mechanism in front of my face, hoping to once more to find the best way for my eyes to see the tiny letters projected on the wall in front of me. I noticed right as I walked in that the doctor asked me how I was doing. At first, I thought it was one of those everyday, routine, supposed-to-be-polite greetings, and I said "I'm good". But he asked me again, a bit emphatic the second time, as if he hadn't heard my answer. Which struck me as a bit odd, so I gave him a bit more of an answer telling him I had just had a long day at work. He chuckled gently at my answer...I could instantly tell he was a soften spoken man. He proceeded to check out my eyes and asked, as he should, whether or not I had been consistently wearing my contacts. I told him yes, but however, that I hadn't worn them in 6 months because I had just went abroad. He asked where I went, i told him France. Eventually told him i went to study French and music there.
"What instrument?"
"Piano"
"O really?? I'm married to a pianist... She made it through Indiana University (a prestigious school for music). Now she's just composing and really into ceramics. I can't get her outta the clay."
It peaked my curiosity. Apparently piano was not the only thing she loved. I get her.
"Amazing, she loves other art."
"Oh yea, you both have it hard as musicians. People always say they want to be as good as her. She only replies, Yea well if anyone locks themselves in a room for hours everyday to practice, then anyone can be good..."
"HAHA, yea I totally agree. It's those claustrophobic rooms"
"Were you in France for a high school program or university...?"
"I was on a study abroad program for a university in France, but really I study at Wheaton College"
Oddly enough, it took me some bit of courage to even tell him such. Wheaton College... not many people know of it really. They kinda mix it up with the other school in MA w/ the same exact name. and if I end up telling whoever it is that it's Christian..it gets awkward..but I decided I can't be ashamed of it...
"Wheaton?...You mean you're part of the Wheaton College Conservatory? That's a good school. Actually my wife used to teach at Moody as a piano professor".
The way he said Wheaton. I knew he knew the school at the instant it came out of his mouth. The adults on campus aspirate what I would normally think is the silent "h". I laughed inside.
"She was a College professor. She loved the kids, but she didn't like the administrative part of teaching. She ended up giving up her job to be a stay-at-home mom.It's hard"
A question that I had thought of before. He squinted his eyes at me. Examining to see how open to conversation i would be...i returned w/ a smile.
"Wow. Yea I've question this nearly everyday."
"It's demanding. My wife gave up pursuing the stage-life. She's no longer a college professor. But it's ok. She takes up accompanying jobs, vocal coaching, and she composes. Sometimes you guys are trained and forced to believe those few are the only jobs worth taking. It's about getting the reputation. It's not true and that's not always what God creates you to be. That might not be exactly your passion. The Spirit will lead to you it.... Haha I'm sure you learned a lot about humility in France...didn't you? Where were you exactly?"
"HAHA...yea EVERYDAY. I learned bout humility everyday (shakes head). I was in Paris. hehe yea I know. Actually in France, it all of sudden clicked to me, that I didn't know what I was gonna do after college, and I didn't have to be the piano professor I always had strived to be. But it was all right and i'm trusting in God. It was like He told me, it doesn't matter what you do, I'll be there with you. What I want for you is to become like Christ. I will make you into the person you're supposed to be."
"Uh huh. You just have to be faithful. Even as a physician I had so many choices. I did residency, fellowship, etc. It took me a while to figure out this is what I wanted to do. So then how are you gonna finish your last year? What else are you looking at?"
"Um..well. I'll be finishing my degree in piano and I'm going to work the best I can, especially for my senior recital. But i also prayed about the decision to serve in a ministry on campus and I'm gonna try to balance both. I love helping out people...i get energy from it...not like I'm gonna go into full-time ministry...."
"Everything you do is full-time ministry. Whatever field you serve..."
He shared about how his wife was good at evangelism. But sometimes she just wants people to understand that that isn't where her passion is even though she can do it.
"She loves to create. Her art is her ministry. It's the thing she feels most at peace about. She knows God created her to do it."
He shared how she's writing an opera, collaborating with other musicians from the chicago land area...and though it's a lot of work, she's happy, AND she tells stories of God through her work.
"You guys as pianists are so good at trying to live up to people's expectations. We're not supposed to focus on the world's expectations."
Bingo. the reason i ran away to Paris. I needed a break from following what everyone else convinced me to do. Never felt like risking relationships, so I always was good at doing what everyone wanted me to do. Couldn't take it anymore. I needed to breathe.
"Yea Imma try to be a steward of what I've been given as a faithful as I can. I'm gonna try not to slack off".
"HAHA....you pianists don't ever slack off. Not worried bout you....now can you see the letters on the wall?"
I finished my check up and got a nice pair of contact lenses to try out til my follow up. The connection between the new found brother in Christ was interrupted when my semi-boisterous mom came into the office and said her duty was to pay for me. I never expect anything else from my mom. The gentle doctor caught off guard by her loud but oddly cheery personality just responded "So the total will be 500 dollars...and i get to treat you guys out to dinner too...just joking :)". My mom laughed. We said bye to another and i thanked him.
I didn't know the name of my doctor. He was in a rush to see his last patient, not surprisingly since i took up so much time. He was filling in for the doctor who was not in today. But yet, the nameless stranger,made it clear we are of the same family of Christ. I had a divine appointment...and little did I know that not only my eye vision would get better, but my soul/heart vision.
Thank you Lord. :)
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