2nd Best

God has been soo gracious with me upon my return home from what seemed like a desert in Paris. I can't believe how many blessings he's showered on me even after just being back for a month. He's constantly reminding me that He is at work in the world, and that I need patience to wait, but also the willingness to seek for His goodness in the things that already are.

Just recently has the Lord been affirming thru brothers and sisters, and the Word that my passions are given by Him. I was beginning to believe that my dreams were foolish and unrealistic. Afterall, I've always been a dreamer and the possibilities that swarm in my imagination have been a bunch of fairytales I created to comfort or remove myself from reality, ever since I was a kid.

But it's been rare that i've seen my dreams come alive. I know God's been reminding me of His sovereignty and omniscience, so who am I to complain and challenge?

Now things are coming into fruition. I thought my petty desire to go to Paris or France in general would be forbidden to pursue. It just seemed too much out of reach. I just rewatched Beauty and the Beast (for the 1000th time) and my dad laughed at me. I believe this movie had a unordinarily large influence on my desire to love the French language and to see the franco world myself. And though the experience didn't turn out the way I had hoped for it to, I still acknowledge it is God who granted the chance and that He still used it to grow me.

My calling. God has spoken to me quite clearly these past few months... and it's terrifying me. It's something I'm passionate bout and yet I have been slow to truly and fully accept it. I'm beginning to understand why the Lord had withheld telling me earlier, even though there were suspicions running thru my mind. First, I believe He wanted to see if i would be faithful with where I was, 2nd He knew I was not quite ready to focus on it, and 3rd He wanted to see that if I was stripped of it, if I would see be fully satisfied in Him alone.

I told one of my best friends about the calling the other day. She smiled at the encouragement I received, but then I started weeping (I cry a lot)..
"Oh no, not now. Why are you crying?"

"I'm scared"

"Why??"

I thought to myself, "Em, you don't get it. The people I want to serve and serve with, don't want me. I'm not good enough for them. I'm good enough for God, but not for them."

...I had slowly been coming to this gross realization in my heart, that even if the Lord called me to this, I was deemed not good enough by others. At that moment, it hit me hard. I knew, I refused in my heart to pursue the calling, because I would be shadowed by those around me who I saw as more capable, I didn't want to look a fool, because in the past people have questioned me. Instantly, popped faces in my head of people that were adored for that which I am pursuing and how they're so easily trusted, when I feel like I have to fight to be noticed. I know the person i should focus on is God. My work and devotion is not to men and it is for His Glory to be seen that I live my life. But it's a battle.

Today Dr. McCord spoke on Haggai 2: 1-8. He asked the congregation, " Do any of u guys feel like ur 2nd best...?" He proceeded to talk about he Israelites in the book of Haggai who labored to rebuild the Temple. In their minds, it was nothing like the one that Solomon built, nothing near the splendor that the temple was once before. and yet, God encourages them. He is not looking for rooms of gold to dwell in. But his shekinah glory will be even greater in this seemingly ordinary temple and He will shake the earth. Little did these people know when they were working to be faithful, that the Son of God Himself, Jesus Christ would walk and teach in this temple. Christ Himself, was not what the chosen people wanted. Seemingly, ordinary and weak He was, but was the one to conquer sin and death, through a humble manner, the cross.

4 Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
(Isaiah 53)

And so now, I will dedicate myself, to realize that it is not the worldly or material things that matter, even if that is what others are pressing for me to believe. Instead, I choose to see the glory of God manifested in the weak things of this world, so that they may shame the strong, to shame the Wise. Because then all the glory, honor, and power go to Him alone.