sorry how much does this cost?

we love shopping. i love shopping... and we love shopping for love.

I mean...really think bout it. we choose the type of affection and affirmation we want to receive right? If someone doesn't offer what we're craving, we move on to the next. If we like it, we give a little bit of ourselves, or a little bit of the love that we do think we have. If we think it's worth the world, then we'll give the world if we're willing. But we expect something in return, flowers, time, sex, or fulfillment of loneliness. Cheap love demands cheap love..costly love demands costly love. If the transaction doesn't go as well as hoped, you just refrain from giving as much the next time. Save your love for someone or something better.

Haha. this is put in the most simplistic of terms. Sorry for the dryness, but i'm just starting to realize...what a consumer i am..even of things not physically tangible. O how I thought I was being altruistic. What selfishness truly reigns in me. I don't give unless I feel secure that someone will give something back. i don't invest in a friend thinking they're gonna trash me...etc. and yet of course it happens.

and then there's Love. The beauty of this love is intangible. What do you mean it's free? What do you mean I can't buy it? Some of us ignore it. Because it's... afterall...FREE. Or some of take it...like we take McDonald's sweet and sour packets. We pack as much of it as we can (you azns all noe what i mean) but at the end of it day, we treat it as what it is... Mcdonald's free stuff. it's not worth much. I mean there's a reason why you don't have to pay for certain things yea? You know what i mean.

But that's not Love. Wow...actually...Love is costly. SO costly, we don't even know the price of it. It's so much...it can't even be calculated. it's priceless. Priceless does not = free crap. It's an untouchable Love. It's the thing we can't have...we don't deserve. And yet, we got it, as a gift. O no...someone did pay for it, with blood. But it wasn't us, it was Jesus. He didn't pay for it, so that HE would get the Love...He paid for it so WE could get this Love. He IS Love. We can't work to get this one.

I can't believe God gave us this Divine goodness. It's all by grace..and it's not like...some cheap Mickey D's sauce, which isn't even in unlimited stock. This stuff is the real deal...so much that I can't even describe what the taste is, bc it's soo other. He lavishes it on us. I shiver...I tremble. I commune with this Love. Taking this offer is so wrong and yet so incredibly right.


I get to share it. For my sake though, i usually decide to go back to the cheap stuff that I was offering before, still expecting something in return. But He instead, has given me an overflow of the real stuff. He is the source itself. It's scary, because I'm giving to people, without getting what i WANT in return. It's humbling, because I can't claim myself to be the ultimate Giver of this love. But why should I give into my petty unfulfilled desires when I'm connected to the source of fulfillment and of the greatest thing I can ever behold? I know the authentic option is not what people are looking for...but will I be able to sacrifice immediate affirmation for what is real?

Lovesick Mistake

Oh dear what can i say?
I'm high here up and spinning away
From a kiss of a thrill to be filled
Can someone hear me?

Love what do you say?
Your mystery winds me up to be playful
Oh here goes my curious sinner within
Is someone listening? i hope no one is listening

How do i slow down? i can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what i known is it enough for me out?
I'm running on empty

I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away

Time says it's the end of the day
My inside says for your lips to forget what time says
Or do i let go of the feeling when you steal the logic around me?
Oh god save me i'm trying

How do i slow down? i can't relate to my heart now
I've thrown what i known is it enough for me out?
I'm running on empty

I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away

I think i'll disappear leave my head in the air for a chance to feel
So far far away from here i know i can't stay too long
Ooh i don't belong here

I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache
It's torn me apart
Oh lovesick mistake turn me away turn me away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

o how terribly fickle the human heart can be. I am truly a fragile being. Even my meyers briggs attests to the fact that I am a 70% feeler. I'm wired this way. Erin McCarley is bold enuff to admit it. Props to her for that. Plenty say "oh get over yourself". If things were that easy, wouldn't you think all of us would have taken that choice? There are times when our pride and self pity take hold of the best of us, and we CHOOSE to sulk in our feelings of heartache and pain. But there are days we all feel trapped.Then instead, our pride and self pity makes us unable to admit it and we hide what truly goes through our minds/hearts as rubbish and put it in the dark chambers in our souls. But those things cannot hide there for long when we seek a life with Jesus. He lays out our fears, insecurities, longings, and loneliness. The true healing process involves pain.

What have i done? I thought I did my best to guard and protect myself...but maybe i messed up somewhere along the way. The war of my heart that battles within me must be a result of the sin. Or mayB it's the way i'm made. I'm a mistake...there's something wrong with me.

But my head knows better and the Holy Spirit knows better. I'm confident that it is screwed on steadily...not perfectly, but it knows to an extent what it should. "Grace you are my beloved, with you I am well pleased". "Grace I only require you to be faithful, my power is made perfect in your weakness". "Grace, you have freedom in Christ". I force alignment of my heart to my head....but it freaking hurts!! Should i ignore that which penetrates my gut?? I should then reject my humanity and inject myself with heart novicane. there that will work. No more tears...

False rebuke lingers and floats hauntingly around me. It whispers: "Grace your suffering is a result of ur personal sin". These are the very words Job heard from His friends. Well intentioned but not true. I chose to trust the Lord with whom i allow my heart to care for. My tendency in the past is, "Grace, don't be vulnerable...ur gonna get hurt. Run away while you can." The assumption there.. is that I WILL be hurt. The question is rather...will I trust God that He will bring me through the hurt. Will I trust God in the process...that I cannot manipulate the relationship...that that relationship/person will not be my idol. I have tried my best to do simply this. I've prayed...i've resisted being impulsive and desperate and the interaction and relationship that developed was eventually one that triumphed over infatuation and molded it into respect and admiration. It's just hard, when it's one sided. When it's not mutually returned. Love was not intended to be fluffy, easy, light, and painless. I knew it would happen...and it did.

O how I desire not to be Eve. To trust in God..that he is not withholding anything good from me...though I cannot see why. He is not a killjoy...God has greater purposes beyond my mere desire to be fulfilled. But instead of giving into the curse of women bestowed because of the consequence of sin, I will seek Jesus to redeem me from this. SLOWLY but surely. Practically...this means I seek the presence of God...i seek to delight in the Lord....i seek to abide in the Lord.

This means, my feelings are not irrelevant nor necessarily wrong. But I cannot wholly depend on them. However, because I am a feeler..i must surrender them to Christ. Jesus wept too...to the point blood dripped down his brow. He felt...he was human. But He trusted God..and said "let your will be done" and submitted. Jesus embraced humanity..but he renews it and places it back to God's image and divine intention. So i must not ignore my humanity but rather fully embrace with Christ by my side (as I am learning in Christian Thought). This pain I experience will be used for something greater. I am not a mistake. God is going to work through my warts in all...in a way i will not ever fathom. I have channeled my experiences with emotions and relationships towards Christ before..and beautiful things result. The music, the sharing, the vulnerability, the testimonies.

In Women's Chorale, We've been singing songs based on the poems of Amy Carmichael. I've read up on this irish missionary to India from the early 20th century. This wonderful beautiful lady understands. She once complained that the Lord did not grant her beautiful blue eyes like the other Irish people..and she was stuck with brown ones. Boy did she grow up feeling like a mistake. However..God used this situation to help to her to relate to those in India who would have been scared of blue eyes. This lady of singleness...writes of the beautiful Divine Love that she came to know so intimately.

"Rock of my Heart and my Fortress Tower
Dear is thy love to me.
Search I the world for a word of power
Find it at Calvary
O Deeps of Love that rise and flow
Standing in awe of hereto for
Thee do I worship, Thee do I praise
and adore
Love Divine".

All by the grace of God. I choose Christ. Rock of my heart. O how i long to know thee.

Tremble - Nichole Nordeman

Have I come too casually?
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity
with informality
And still protect the Sacred?

'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne

And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not,
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

What a shame to think that I'd appear
Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave
As if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation?

'Cause you came and stood among the very least of us
And it's easy to forget you left a throne

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love

Oh, let me not forget to tremble

Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

Dream - Priscilla Ahn

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

rollercoaster

I remember one of my first experiences on a rollercoaster was with my dad when I was young. We went to Disneyland and i wanted to be brave so I tried Thunder Mountain. It was a fast train that circled up and down a canyon. I got on happily...not knowing what I was getting myself into. The joy was sucked out of me so quickly. I hate drops....your stomach has never felt emptier and more unsettled. I wanted to cry...but my eyes could barely open to even see where I was going. I just wanted it to stop. But I couldn't get off the scary train. You know what I mean. Like when you're in on the spinning platform and the biggest guy around spins you nonstop, at top speed. You're screaming for Him to stop, but he's just laffing while your grip is going numb and you're bout to fly off. Or when you're tickled and it hurts but the person's hands just keeps digging into u. It's horrific. My dad was next to me and I was leaning on him for my dear life. He kept yelling that I would be all right. His presence didn't exactly calm my stomach or spirits, but at least I knew he was there protecting me to the end. I could only trust him.

This is all so familiar. I'm so scared. I want so bad to get off the train sometimes...I just want it to stop. I'm holding on for dear life.

God is next to me. He isn't taking away my stomach drops or the pain... but He's screaming at me: It's gonna be all right.

Hopefully...sooner or later I'll be able to enjoy the ride.

I must remember this.

Sometimes life just hurts.

Existence is painful. Just being alive is more than you can handle. Pain shoots thru your body and dwells in your heart and gut.

I've been having these moments the past month or so.

For me...my thorn, my eczema has been most torturous...more than it's been for a while. But accompanied with it comes uncertainty, fear, a burning sensation in my heart and on my skin, and shame. There are nights when I'm holding on dearly and i'm breathless...restless.

Lord, take me now. I don't care ne more. I wanna just be at peace with you.

Silence. Darkness

A tear drops down the side of my cheek. I muffle myself in sobs bc I can't let anyone hear me.

I fight to get a breath. I ask and beg to see God's face. This is what I get?

Everything that I could practically do to heal myself has failed me. Those whom i trust most can only watch, pray, and wait with me. I'm ashamed, knowing that other people in the world might just have it worst than I do in the moment. But when you're in a storm...you're swallowed sometimes.



-------------------------------------------

Thankfully for me...this time, God has graciously granted me the dawn of a new day. His new mercies every morning have been glowing undeniably. This is how he has blessed me. I can't say this will happen all the time... but for now, I'm in awe.

Those around me pray for me, when I can no longer speak for myself. I'm weary, and this is when the love of the body and of Christ is most evident in the most broken of people. No longer are we pretending to be perfect. We're just as messed up as the next person...but that's how we are able to get each other.

You don't experience the resurrection that christ promises unless you die and suffer first. Shouldn't I trust the man who gets the most of all. The Savior of my soul and my entire being?

I have been seeing God's face. In a way..i've been terrified of before...actually I still am. But nonetheless...a glimpse of God is treasure greater than anything that this world can offer. It's better than my coming first kiss, than euphoria from a musical moment, or an achievement of a goal. Those things can all exhibit God's awesomeness too. But it's when you're most weak and terrified and the Lord reveals to you Himself...not even thru your own efforts. You finally feel you're close to home.

But i can't get too comfy here. This is not my permanent residence. Soon and very soon... i will see Him completely. O dear. I'm gonna melt. i can't wait. :)

Gracie.

*blush*

If u guys know me, I'm a person full of embarrassing moments. Imma pretty clumsy person and tho i've tried to be a person who's down to earth, I'm quite a daydreamer and hence careless stupid things tend to happen when I'm consumed with my thoughts. I laff at most of these moments. Afterall, they make life more interesting and funny. :)

Today at Masterworks Festival, a bassoon prof shared a devo about embarrassing moments. He asked us if we were haunted by our past and how there are moments in our lives that we're not too proud of. He prompted us with the passsage of Acts 20, when a young man fell asleep during Pauls' preaching and he fell off the window and died. But by the grace of God, he was raised back to life and brought in by Paul.

Talk about embarrassing. The prof then went on to ask us, if we live from one embarrassing moment to another. My stomach dropped. Just earlier to day, an embarrassing moment popped in my head. I have plenty of humorous ones, but I have plenty of legitimately painful and shameful ones. You can call me vain. Because I am. But it's not just that. Even tho the ppl who were there with me at the moment have forgotten it or have moved on, my heart wanted so badly, a do-over.

I've been an energizer bunny running with the battery of fear. As some of u know, I've been struggling these past few years in college to love the piano. Part of me grew more bitter everyday towards it, to the point I hated practicing bc somedays I would cry. I was ashamed of the situation and of myself, I didn't know what to do, bc to the ppl I talked, I felt like they didn't completely get it. In my mind, I thought, they're good at this art, so they don't have anything to be ashamed. Selfish and deceitful for me to think that way. It finally occured to me that this shame and bitterness stems from the countless piano mess-ups I've had. I could not relinquish almost all of my performances and auditions in the past. You might think to yourself "she's so melodramatic"...mayB I am. I'm a perfectionist in this way. However, truthfully some of these experiences left me in tears. My teachers questioned why I could play the pieces well in secret, but could never do it on stage. I questioned why I cared so much about music and piano enough to embarrass myself in front of ppl (not to mention, pursue a degree in music performance). It didn't make any sense.

One of my key moments was when I auditioned for my top choice college. It was the very last audition, and in some sense, tho it was the best of the schools i tried for, it wasn't supposed to be the most demanding audition. The teacher I wanted to study with, there, was excited to see me and I was too. It was my last audition and I thought I would nail it. But things were not in my control and the day ended with a depressing talk with the teacher. He gently told me that my chances of making it in were slim and that it was not my best day...probably of the inconsistency that was represented in my performance. He wished my broken dreams the best of luck and I walked away with a fake smile on my face. From then, it's been hard to rebound. Sure I moved on from the experience and pretending that I was satisfied with the place God ended up choosing for me, but my heart was then so guarded by fear that every time it came to perform or audition, I was afraid and either broke down to the point I couldn't play or practice, I ran away in fear, or came out just disheartened all over. I lost heart to have anything to do with people of prestige/skill in music bc they made me insecure and I shyed away, for a while, from golden opportunities to show my skill bc I was terrified at messing up all over. I grew to despise my playing in many ways and tho i've tried so hard to prove to myself and others that I was capable, I was always discouraged at the end of it.

But the prof sed to us clearly today. God loves u regardless of where we're at. He died for us while we were still sinners. You never have to be good enuff to earn his love and grace. My heart knows this and tho it embraces it for my salvation's and my spiritual life's sake, I disregard it as rubbish when it comes to my music life. I know I don't have to earn God's favor. It was an understatement to me that the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and the God of universe loved a stupid lil mess up like me. I couldn't understand how a person who's been granted fabulous musical learning opportunities could be redeemed even after she's fudged all the great chances to show that she's blessed. What I desired and wanted most, was for the world to love me and be impressed by me, whether that's in music, thru my beauty, my intelligence, and etc. I would be able to feel the immediate reward and affirmation. But what does it profit if I gain the whole world and lose my soul? Is my treasure here on earth or in heaven?

The prof ended with a strong prayer for us all. He prayed that we would no longer be shackled by our shameful pasts, but that we find true freedom in Christ.

I want that freedom. I hope I can truly and fully live the life He gave me abundantly. So that is my prayer now.


Gracie

when I lose hope

I need to read 1 Peter 1 when I've forgotten why i've sacrificed so much for the Christian walk.

There are those days you wonder if God is a figment of ur imagination. You speak out truths in ur life...but it's what I've grown up with. I've been wired since the first day I was born to think this way. I've learned to surrender myself to something that seems physically intangible and even mentally in some ways (since God is so infinite). Sometimes I feel like I'm aiming for something in vain. But that's because I wasn't made for earth..but for heaven. I'm an alien...traveling to the Promise Land.

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

So what should I do?

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. ¹⁴As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. ¹⁵But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; ¹⁶for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."'

and furthermore....

"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} ²³For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God."

Learning to be holy...and loving God and others. What i've been constantly told recently. :)

For control freaks like me...

I had the chance of seeing Devil Wears Prada for like the 4th time. I love that movie, especially because I think Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci, Emily Blunt, and Anne Hathaway are all extremely convincing at their respective roles. I enjoy the posh flavor and sarcastic blunt humor of the ridiculously high powered fashion/art industry and I can even say a part of me understands where it comes from, especially being a musician.

The movie appropriately begins with the song "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall. It goes: "Suddenly I see...this is what I wanna be....why the hell it means so much to me." It kinda sets the stage for Andy's (Anne Hathaway) identity crisis. One reason I love movies is because there are those times when the actors and actresses play their parts so well that I easily connect, read the mind of, or empathize w/ the characters. Thats also probably why I get so teary and emotional or even pissy when i feel strongly connected w/ the character. (unless it's the joker in Dark Knight...I felt pretty dirty and sick after watching that...but that was pretty cool nevertheless). It was no different for Andy...I so easily saw myself in the shoes of the naive, smart, highly motivated, and fashionably awkward girl who decides to shoot for a low paying yet high maintenance job in pursuit of her dreams. The innocent girl is seemingly confident as she starts off the job pretending and convincing herself that she wasn't like the rest of her obsessive uptight fashion colleagues...to then only find herself at the mercy of her boss, Miranda Priestly...who only sees life one way...her way. You then start to see Andy comprise her life, relationships, and ultimately her integrity...to win approval to the department...and essentially, tho not instantly recognizably, to get ahead. With hindsight and outside perspective, you keep yelling at Andy with "uh-ohs"... or "don't do it's"... but we're all as dumbfounded and blind as she is in most cases. She thinks she has everything under control...when really she can't seem to hold on to anything...not even the unpredictable job she sells her soul for. What matters?

And then there's Miranda...The lady on the top of the food chain... although part of you hates her because of her rudeness and ego...you can't help but think about and even admire the fact that she's untouchable. You wonder what makes her so special...why everyone kisses her shoes even though they curse her. You admire her bc she'ss tough, edgy, physically attractive, and composed. But you out of your conscience despise everything she is...even if you feel sorry for her at her one scene of vulnerability.

But if I'm gonna be very honest...i'm not too off from Miranda either...freakishly enuff. I still remember my preschool - 3rd grade days when I was a diva. I bossed every girl around to get MY way. I was cute, I acted "good", and I was "sweet"....but I always had to have the main roles every time we played make-believe; Sailormoon, Pocahontas, the pink ranger...you name it. I was a Miranda. Every girl hated me...but they all worked so hard to gain my approval...to lick my shoes clean. But don't worry..i got my fair share. Not long enuff, I became the awkward lonely girl in other circles and especially when I hit 5th grade. I lost the beauty, the confidence, my friends, and my identity. The glory doesn't last...lemme tell you that. You can try so hard to grasp on to it...until it falls out like sand.

I still haven't learn my lessons well. I'm still Andy...and I'm still trying to be Miranda. We all believe that to be perceived well, we must be confident and have everything under control. We want the power and the ability to hold our heads above others. We think that the hardest thing to do in life...is to be diligent and to move up the ladder...and we think the best people in the world are the ones at the top of that ladder...whether it's economically, socially, and might I even say spiritually. We fight to be masters. Those are the people who know who they are, have their priorities straight, and get the respect and glory they deserve. When there's fear, there's results. We want the results.

I beg to differ. I think if it's not at least just as scary...it's more terrifying to let go of your life. But that's exactly what God calls us to do. To save our life, we must lose it. It's hard bc it doesn't seem to make ne sense....it's foolish talk to the standards of the world. But us Christians are sometimes walking oxymorons, aren't we? We're always gonna be slaves to something... there's no way out of it. We just have the power to choose to what we are a slave. We will never succeed in being our own masters...if we think we can...then we are blind. We might as well be slaves to the righteousness of God...to the love of God..to the will of God....

Look at Andy... she, to get ahead clearly becomes a slave to her boss. She doesn't discover herself in her work or achievements...but really discovers herself to be a mini-Miranda...merely a puppet in the business. Even Nigel, who seems to know all the ins and outs of the demanding lifestyle...claims he doesn't get to call his own shots in his life. He claims in the end...all he can do is hope....but hope in WHAT...the devil in Prada? We however as Christians...we trust our lives upon someone who is faithful, loving, constant, sovereign, and GOOD.

But lets look at Miranda. Even SHE is a slave... and though she claims she doesn't care about the publicity, her daughters, who she loves most, are tormented by her actions and choices. She is a slave to her job...to her art... to expectations...and to the world. It's just that she gets to do it in style...with a powerful facade. Believe me...in the real world. She'll break.

But we have choice. There is some freedom in that. Andy finds it. I wouldn't say it's the complete freedom package that Christ offers. But she realizes, she doesn't hafta be a slave to Miranda. Thankfully i don't either. There are Mirandas in my life...and not just those associated with my career choice. But I don't hafta live in their shadows...under their fear...or under their pressure. I spend so much time, trying to escape from them...but I don't see that I can just walk away from them. I don't hafta be a Miranda.

Rather... "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." I definitely have someone better that I can be... that is Christ.

Gracie

Silence

(I apologize...for what you are about to read, is not based on any specific scripture, but rather what has been revealed to me lately thru various events. This goes to show that I need to memorize more scripture. :P)

I love my voice. Not really just my talking or singing. I mean more so... the ability to vocalize my thoughts. God somehow has blessed me with the talent of being articulate...of being expressive. Somehow, he's developed me in ways thru which I'm able to show whats in my heart and head comprehensively, thru means of writing, talking, singing, playing music, dancing, and drawing. I dunno why or how...but I know God's behind it all. I sincerely thank Him. I'm an emotional person and I dunno who I would be without these mediums of expression.

But there are just those days...I can't seem to portray ne thing. Its something so incredibly painful...and also indescribable. You search for all the right vocabulary, for all the right notes, and movements....only to get frustrated and then sit in stillness and silence. You sit soaking up your emotions until you're to weary or until you grown numb. Sometimes you sit thoughtless...only knowing that it hurts or that it excites.

But what is it like to be like this everyday? For me, these experiences are only glimpses of the norm for certain individuals. Perhaps they're silenced by their inability to break down mixtures of emotions or thoughts, or by their government, by oppression, by their family, or by their pain and torture. Fear takes control of them or even anger. What is it like to feel restricted? Or possibly, what is it like to be not only constantly scrutinized and judged, but punished for what is vocalized? These people have hearts that are about to explode..or maybe they're crying out feeling that they are without hope....or that no one is there to hear or, rather, understand them. Those who are able or bold enuff to speak are persecuted...perhaps killed. What matters?

I can only imagine what it's like to have grown up with parents who beat you every time you said a word. I can only imagine what it's like to be a girl who is sexually and physically abused everyday and grows up quietly harboring anger towards men. I can only imagine what it is to be a man who can't find a job because he's a certain race...and then to come home to a family who refuses to be associated with him. I can only imagine what it's like to sit on the streets barely clothed, not even being glanced at by the passerbys. I can only imagine what it's like to be depressed and the only way to show pain is by cutting myself. Who's there to hear these stories? Who's there so speak for those who can't do it themselves?

God has been steadily teaching me when to be silent and when not to be silent (o my...how hard it is).

I'm starting to realize how essential silence (not mindlessness or falling asleep), on top of listening and meditating to God's word, can be to prayer. It's a part of listening. Being quiet allows me to recognize who God is. I remember when he told Moses "I AM WHO I AM". I remember that He is sovereign, holy, good, faithful, loving, etc. I have to draw back to Him first...because all things come into better and focus...I'm human, I can only see and understand so much. Also in silence...i start to hear and listen the cries of his people...whether it is in my times of prayer or times of conversation. Finally my heart begins to break for what breaks God's. When I have finally listened....then slowly things begin to sort out themselves in me.

Now I know what to say. How blessed am I to be able to pray to the God Almighty. The veil is torn. How blessed am I that he has enabled me to vocalize in various ways. Even if I don't understand all that I'm thinking...the spirit knows and prays for me. But nevertheless, I'm responsible now. How can I go on living now....ignoring and neglecting those in need? I am the voice to the voiceless.

I know I can't save the world. I really hope God will grant me the chance to at least be a voice for those who need it...in whatever way he chooses. Maybe I'll be able to write songs one day for people...or draw something or write an article.. Who knows? But I know regardless...that he at the very least has commanded me to pray about it... to surrender it at the feet of the King. That I know I can do. Now it it's just a matter of whether I will do it.